“die tit scum?” or “tits, let’s work out our differences!”

so, i’m totally considering top surgery.  this is not a new thing for me; i freaked out when my tits appeared, bound them relentlessly for a few years, then calmed my shit when i learned that people could just go and get their tits sliced off.  i guess i decided i would wait calmly til i grew up, got money, and got top surgery.

of course, in the years since puberty, i’ve sorta changed my mind about my tits.  my relationship with my tits is way more complicated than it used to be; i LIKE them (sometimes).  aesthetically, anyway.  my sweetheart and i have sexy fun-times with my tits (sometimes i’m not up to it, but i often am).  plus, i’m attracted to tits on OTHER people– and that, too, has tangled the fins of my brain fish.

i know i want top surgery– but do i want top surgery the way i want to eat 2000 lbs. of chocolate in 1 sitting?  cuz i often want things i don’t really want (example: i don’t want to puke my face off while trying to eat ALL the chocolate).  so i need to examine my motives, hopes, expectations, etc.

i mean, do i just want top surgery cuz all the rad cats are doing it?  (like maddox and eli!)  or do i STILL want top surgery, having only convinced myself to get along with my tits cuz surgery is HARD and body acceptance seems easy?

i’m working on a more in-depth post about this; i just wanted to give you cats a heads up; i’m gonna dump my brain on you and ask for advice.  just warning you.

10 responses to ““die tit scum?” or “tits, let’s work out our differences!”

  1. Do you ever plan on having children? That sort of surgery can (and most likely will) impact your ability to breastfeed. That’s not to say that normal children haven’t been born to parents who strictly bottlefeed, but it’s a consideration.

    Or/and, slightly off-topic, does the ability to have children qualify for that “dfab trans* privilege checklist”?

  2. Yeah…I feel you. It’s hard to tell sometimes if the things you want are awesome things that you should totally do, or if there are things you should try and come to terms with. I know I struggle with that. And how do you figure out the difference? (I know you know this about me because, you commented on something over at my place quite recently)

    And I don’t know…maybe surgery is easier than body acceptance. Except for maybe how much money it costs, of course. But body acceptance is not easy…especially if your body is at odds with your brain/ID/funawesomeinnerself…in which case, maybe its not body acceptance at all to try and come to terms with it.

    As for the experience of having surgery…though top surgery is not something I have experienced, I have had major surgery recently. In fact, my jaw surgery was more of a major surgery than top surgery…so I feel somewhat qualified to speak on the subject. Physical things heal (well, in my case not so much, but my ancient jaw is another story and issue entirely). Recovery is uncomfortable. But also, there’s a lot of acceptance that comes with it if you have mentally prepared for the process. And when it heals, you have something else entirely. If you have surgery, it will heal; and the whole experience won’t be half as big as the final result of it.

    I guess what I’m saying is, there’s no reason for the physical process of surgery to be a mark against it. Sure there are unpleasant side effects. But there are unpleasant side effects to not having it too, and those don’t heal quite so easily.

    You just want to make sure you want it for the right reasons. And that is the tricky part.

    Keep me posted. And keep talking about it. Us Kitties have to talk about things with other kitties so we remember what the advice wed give someone else would be…because sometimes its better than how wed advise ourselves.

    Maybe that is the question. What would you say to me if I had this dilemma? (Not hard to imagine since you recently advised me on something similar).

  3. Also, I’m noticing a pattern…lots of “Die Scum!” pronouncements in your writing lately…

  4. @ brennan: eeeeeeeeeew… i totally appreciate your concern, cat. really, i do. i just reallyreally need to pretend that there’s nothing above my cervix sexy-wise. like, nothing. just some non-sex-related stuff… i experience way too much physical dysphoria around that stuff to ever, um, propagate little mx. punks. (sorry…i’m totally weird about this. also, am shuddering.)

    but, yeah, that’s a good concern cuz breast milk is apparently pretty beneficial for kids. my sister is a natural/mindful parenting fanatic and has made a believer of me.

    also, yay! i was totally going to email you to ask how your summer was going, but then you commented. so, huzzah! hi! how’s it goin’?

    “Or/and, slightly off-topic, does the ability to have children qualify for that ‘dfab trans* privilege checklist’?” ooh! good point, cat! i’m gonna go think about my checklist…

  5. Hey! I found your blog via your comments on mine and just wanted to say that I really like it. :)

    Good luck with making the decision about top surgery; you probably don’t need to hear it from me, but whatever you choose is valid and okay. :D

  6. @ sonic rhubarb: i went with “die tit scum” cuz i needed the sheer silliness of it. like, this could be a total meme. lolz. “die pop music scum,” “die clothes-with-prominant-logos scum,” “die aphids-eating-our-beans scum…”

    also, i really don’t think of my tits as any sort of scum– and therein lies a big part of my problem. they’re beautiful tits and they don’t mean to fuck me up, so i feel guilty about even considering top surgery. if only i could just give them to bia, who would probably treat them with the respect they deserve, this would be more simple than it is now. alas.

    “It’s hard to tell sometimes if the things you want are awesome things that you should totally do, or if there are things you should try and come to terms with.”

    yep! how DO you tell the difference? i’ve been thinking about it and writing about it and now i’m also talking about it with you lovely cats. i’ve also started seeing a counsellor who is, apparently, awesome at untangling my very twisty brain.

    “…maybe its not body acceptance at all to try and come to terms with it.”

    i concur! for instance, as our lovely brennan just learned, i experience some pretty real physical dysphoria concerning my inside-junk (sorry bren!). i will never be able to just accept my inside-junk. it’s not supposed to be there. full stop. currently, i have an uneasy peace with it (i pretend it isn’t there), but i may decide to get it all ripped out in the future. if i don’t decide to get it all ripped out, it won’t be cuz i’ve accepted it; it will be cuz i’ve become reallyreally good at pretending i have no inside-junk. my face, on the other claw, i simply don’t like. i think it looks…shitty. but i spend time looking at it, touching it, and saying kind things to it in an attempt to get over my insecurities. to me, that’s working toward body acceptance.

    i find it pretty useful to compare how i feel about different parts of my body. like, my face vs my tits vs my inside-junk.

    “I guess what I’m saying is, there’s no reason for the physical process of surgery to be a mark against it. Sure there are unpleasant side effects. But there are unpleasant side effects to not having it too, and those don’t heal quite so easily.”

    yes. i totally needed to hear/read this, actually. i’m kinda scared about surgery, but i know i wouldn’t let that stop me from getting surgery i needed. this is a good thing to remind me of.

    “You just want to make sure you want it for the right reasons. And that is the tricky part.”

    oh, yes! definitely the tricky part! that’s where months (years?) of writing/thinking/talking about this come in. i can be patient! :)

    “What would you say to me if I had this dilemma?”

    hmmmm… that probably IS the question, isn’t it? i’ll have to think about what i’d tell you– cuz you’re right about us being silly! we give each other pretty sound advice– but we have trouble advising ourselves! lol.

    thanks for your input, cat! seriously helpful, as always.

  7. hi, miriam! thanks for the sweet words! i’ve been enjoying your blog as well; i found it via freshly pressed and i was stoked after reading your fp post. yay! congrats, again, btw. i’m excited about such a totally insightful and honest post actually getting fp! that’s, like, a serious win for feminism.

    thanks for the luck; i may need it. it’s a tough decision, but all the support from cats in internetland and in meatspace really help me figure out my head. i really appreciate it! thanks!

  8. @ Brennan: I would disagree that the ability to conceive children is a manifestation of privilege. The definition of privilege is not “something that you can do that others cannot”. Privilege is something that is conferred on you by society. Privilege comes from society treating you better than people based on how they perceive you. It is basically a set of unearned bonus points that you are given by society for the way you are perceived. That’s the crucial sticking point, its about they way OTHER PEOPLE treat you based on what THEY assume you to be and sometimes has little to do with who or what you actually ARE.

  9. “It is basically a set of unearned bonus points that you are given by society for the way you are perceived.”

    i admit i didn’t really think about that– but good point! cuz, for example, being able to piss standing up (without a stp device) isn’t a privilege associated with having a penis, so…yeah. i don’t know why i didn’t catch that, but thanks!

    edit: rad post on this mongrel land concerning privilege. it’s totally relevant; check it out.

  10. Pingback: in other news: my tits! | rainbowgenderpunk

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