coming out as trans* at school

school will be starting soon; i’ll be returning to university on september 4th.  i’m really fucking nervous.  like, i’m losing sleep and not really taking care of myself (not spending enough time outside, mainly).  i keep promising myself that i’ll be fine once school actually starts and i’ll start taking care of myself at that point, but i’m feeling pretty shitty.

so i’ve decided to start taking care of myself NOW by going outside more often, writing scary fairy tales, and telling you cats about my silly nervous tummy.

i totally didn’t mean for that to sound so cute.  sorry, folks.

anyway, i’ll be wearing my gender tag to school and insisting on non-gendered pronouns.  last year, i was out to everybody i managed to bring it up with and i used the non-gendered bathrooms exclusively, but this is gonna be different.  and that freaks me the fuck out, folks.  like, i’m having nightmares about it already.

last night, i had this nightmare where this teacher who i really look up to went all radscum on me cuz his partner is a radfem and my dream-brain thinks he must be total radscum.  even though i have no idea how he feels about trans* people and it’s never even come up.  but it WILL come up on the first day of school.  i’ll be sitting right in front of him wearing my gender tag and i won’t let him misgender me without protesting loudly.

i’ll have to be loud about my nonbinary gender around the other students, too.  most of them don’t know me at all cuz i tend to keep to myself.  i USED to be all social at school, but my increasing social dysphoria really shut me up last year, so i’m gonna be that weird, withdrawn person who only comes out to correct misgendering.

cuz the thing is, once somebody knows i’m nonbinary, THEY WILL NEVER GET AWAY WITH MISGENDERING ME AGAIN.  EVER.  that’s like, part of my self-respect policy, paragraph 11.  so i’m intimidated right now.  i’m intimidated by all the standing up for myself i’m going to do at school.

also, i need to plan out what i’m going to say to people.  i think just telling people my pronouns are “they/them/their” should be good enough.  cuz i already have trouble when i try to explain nonbinary gender to peoples unless they’re specifically interested in it.  thoughts on this?

i don’t know what i’m scared of specifically, but i just wanted to talk about it in the open with you lovely peoples.  thanks for reading, cats!

how do you deal with dysphoria/misgendering at school?

6 responses to “coming out as trans* at school

  1. I’ve only ever told, let’s see, two people, one of which I’ll never meet offline and one who I was pretty sure was trans and also I hadn’t seen in a few years (also online), about being non binary. I don’t exactly have any help for you, but you’re generally pretty good at sticking up for yourself (as far as I’ve noticed, but I’m just a blog reader but I BELIEVE IN YOU!!) so I think you’ll be alright.

    So I’d have to say you’re pretty brave. Not in a patronizing way, but you are doing a thing that I really want to do and am also terribly scared of? So wow, good luck. The only way I’ve ever dealt with misgendering is by, well, frowning. and what, allowing myself to get stepped on? ugh i haven’t even said anything to my girlfriend, dang

    well that degenerated quickly, but basically best of luck and I would love to hear how you do! *hugs, if hugs from an internet stranger are okay with you*

  2. aw, thanks! <3 internet hugs to you, too (if you want them)! i love it when people offer internet hugs, but i love it even more when people ask for consent. just awesome and sweet. i'm huggy in internet-land, but i don't actually like being touched in meatspace.

    that's a weird phrase. "…touched in meatspace." lulz.

    thanks for the confidence, nate-ish; it totally helps. also, i know what you mean about wanting to do something like this but being too scared to actually do it. i've been working on setting and maintaining boundaries in regards to gender; it's a slow process. it's like i'm learning how to take care of myself.

    right before i started coming out to people, i reached an all-time low. i was happy in a shit-ton of ways, but i was becoming more and more withdrawn and lonely. i was beating myself up all the fucking time cuz i just let people misgender me– and then i decided to change shit around.

    i'm still changing shit around, i guess. like, i've been out at work for awhile, i've been out to my family for awhile, and i've been correcting strangers all over the place– school is just the next scary step for me.

    take care of yourself, ok? like, do whatever makes you feel safe and comfy cuz you deserve to feel safe and comfy. <3 and thanks for the support!

  3. haha it definitely is.

    i think my problem is that I’m never sure of myself? Like as evidenced by my excessive use of question marks i doubt just about everything I say. so like I’m afraid people will be like “nope, that’s not possible, gender is binary” and I’ll just sit down and be even less sure of myself and more miserable.

    but like, I’d never stand and watch anyone be so awful to someone else. like if the hypothetical person was saying that to you or a friend, I’d offer additional internet hugs and i guess it’s that I don’t feel like i deserve to correct anyone/feel happy/am worth anything? like, I need to think of myself as a friend and i really appreciate you being super, thanks. i also tend to be a really secretive person, and i hate that, but i don’t really know how not to be?

    please don’t mind that i used your comments for a bit of a self-care/self-analyzing thing? i guess that’s what they’re there for, a little. bluh.

    but i’m so happy for you. i would love to be where you are in your life so just you know, keep doing what you do.

  4. “i think my problem is that I’m never sure of myself?”

    this is a pretty heavy problem, in my experience. like, that’s the main reason i didn’t come out at school last year and that’s the reason why i don’t always take care of myself.

    i’m at a point where i KNOW my gender is nonbinary, i KNOW i’m “trans* enough” (we all are!), and i KNOW i have a right to demand space as a nonbinary trans* person. it took me ages to get here, though. and i still get nervous about how people will react, i totally expect people to not want to make room for me (that part’s true; lotsa people think i have no right to exist), and i’m still scared of derailing conversations. it’s a process, i guess.

    just know that you have the right to define yourself, you have the right to demand space as a person of your gender, you have the right to be respected as a person of your gender– and you’ll be ready to ask for those things eventually. it’ll come, cat.

    also, remember that (most) cis people automatically get those very things. they get the pronouns they want, they use the right bathrooms without hassle, they take up space as people of their genders without having to fight for it. so, yeah, you fucking deserve all of it. asking for it’s hard, but i’m sure you’ll be ready one day. no rush. <3

    also, feel free to message me if you want/need to talk; i love listening. and thanks again!

  5. I also want to say, in a non-condescending and genuinely admiring way, that you’re brave for openly identifying yourself like that in front of so many people. The more people like you we have, the sooner the grues will be forced to at least pretend to be open-minded.

    A few weeks ago I was in a progressive place with some non-binary friends I had just met, and one of them went to the trouble of introducing themselves as genderqueer and told everyone which pronouns they preferred. A few minutes later, a woman was referring to something they had said and airily referred to the two of them as “those ladies”. I wasn’t even looking directly at them, but I could see the exasperation and irritation in their body language. Even somewhere like that, detailed explanations about gender go in one ear and right out the other.

  6. thanks, harrow! <3

    pepole are fucked like that, right? that kind of shit happens to me all the time and it sucks hard. well-meaning grues, right?

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