in other news: my tits!

i’m of the opinion that tits are often fun to discuss, so i’m gonna write another post about my tits.  huzzah!  if you’re interested in my tits but you haven’t been keeping up with all my tit-related posts, see here and here for further discussion of my tits.

i started seeing a counsellor sometime this month and we’ve mainly been talking about my tits.  mostly, top surgery YES? or top surgery NO?  it’s been pretty useful and my counsellor is pretty awesome.  like, did not have to tell her about nonbinary gender– she was already on that shit.

so she’s been helping me untangle my brain a bit.  one thing we’ve worked out is this: when i think of doing future-things with my sweetheart, i usually imagine myself without tits.  and when i DO imagine myself doing future-things with my sweetheart while titted, i get pretty down.   like, disappointed and regretful.  so that’s something.

my counsellor also thinks it might be significant that i would get top surgery TOMORROW if i could find my tits a new home.  we explored this a bit and i think i’m empathizing with my tits too much.  like it’d be mean to just cut them off and leave them somewhere.

this kind of thing is a big issue for me.  this one time, my sweetheart and i were going to make curry with a sugar pumpkin.  while making it, my sweetheart passed me the intact pumpkin– and i snuggled it.  it was round, it was in my lap, and i wanted to protect it.  we ended up having to “set it free” in the forest cuz i cried uncontrollably when my sweetheart tried to chop it up.  also, i’ll buy the last item in a clearance bin cuz it looks lonely.  i also pat our dehumidifier on the head cuz it’s doing a good job.

so i think i’m getting my weird empathy for inanimate things entangled with my tits.  i need to fucking work that shit out.

i’ve also discovered that i hate the work of the only surgeon who’s covered by medical insurance in my province.  seriously.  there’s just one surgeon and he does a lumpy job.  so no thanks, i’d rather spend years saving up for a non-lumpy chest.  thanks, though.  O.0

i’m really leaning toward top surgery and i’m going to start saving up all my buttons and string just in case.  i still have shit to untangle, but i think i know where this is headed.

as always, i’d love some more advice/kind words about this. also, thanks for reading, cats!

ps:  magically, reneta just wrote something pretty relevant in a reply to one of my comments on her rad blog.  “I think it’s a sign that there [are] things about your body you feel are holding you back as a person.”  oh, yes.  yes, i think so, sparkle-cat.

12 responses to “in other news: my tits!

  1. The way you feel about your tits is exactly the way I feel about my private area. With the exception that I don’t generally anthropomorphize it, outside of a freaky dream with rainbow chainsaws (no comment). When I think of a happy future, I think of life with it. When I think of future things going down in my life with “It” in it, it makes me sad. I think I am overusing “It”, in the literary sense only. Notice I call it, “IT”.

    I don’t gender “it” because it’s a thing I avoid directly discussing for the same reason. And like I mentioned in that comment, I totally relate. “It” holds me back as a person, makes relationship prospects difficult, and makes the anything that involves “it” painful to think about. I wish you plenty of lint and strings to help you get what you need.

  2. This was a very interesting post to read. I relate to you so strongly feeling sorry for the pumpkin, feeling sorry for the things in the clearance bin and patting your dehumidifier on the head. I do things like that, too. Also, the only thing that really makes me hesitate about top surgery is feeling sorry for my breasts, what will happen to them. Reading this post made me realize, if one sees one’s breasts as a part of one’s body – it’s harder to think of them as separate entities that have nothing to do with the rest of the body. Like, my fingers for instance are just part of my body; they aren’t separate people/things, they are part of me. I don’t wonder what they think/feel, because they are me, and I know how I feel. My breasts, though, they are something/someone else, and unfortunately, I’m charged with taking care of them and guilty because I want to abandon them. That sorrow a person feels for what will happen to their breasts shows their lack of connection to them. If they are in the same group with pitied objects, then they are necessarily in the group of “not-me”.

    Being semi-religious, I try to remind myself that the matter that is my body is God/dess’s body; and even when most of it is still here but some of it is there, nothing will be lost; everything present and accounted for, and all of it belongs to Them, no matter what state it’s in.

    I don’t blame you for holding out for someone with better surgical technique, even if it means paying more.

  3. @ reneta: rainbows and chainsaws! that sounds like fun! *has dream involving tits, rainbows, and chainsaws*

    hmmm…so what you’re saying is totally resonating with me, sparkle-cat. like how you feel sad about having it in the future? yeah. familiar.

    thanks for the lint and strings! huzzah! also, i don’t think you can overuse the word “it;” fucking go for it. :)

  4. @ south carolina boy: cat, i am so totally amazed (and stoked!) that somebody feels the way i do about pumpkins and lonely things. we’re siblings in weird/awesome!

    “If they are in the same group with pitied objects, then they are necessarily in the group of “not-me”.”

    holy fuck. this resonates with me so hard, i’m getting kinda teary. i need to think about this serious-time– cuz i think you have a point. like, sure, i talk to my tummy and my fingers and stuff, but i don’t REALLY empathize with them as separate entities– cuz they’re me. like you said. wow.

    also, my feelings are pretty visceral. like, i feel all my emotions in my various body-bits– except my tits. i never feel anything emotional in them– i mean, even my elbows occasionally get to tell me how i feel. this is probably significant.

    “Being semi-religious, I try to remind myself that the matter that is my body is God/dess’s body; and even when most of it is still here but some of it is there, nothing will be lost; everything present and accounted for, and all of it belongs to Them, no matter what state it’s in.”

    so there’s this river that is sacred to me. like, i’m not religious, but i have my own weird spiritual patterns/stories. and there’s this river i’m part of. i can’t go there anymore, but i’d probably feel better about this if i could give my discarded tits to this river. that’d be kinda shitty for the people who get their drinking water from the river, but it would feel right. this is something i need to deal with.

    thanks, cat. you always offer the most fabulous and powerful thoughts and i really value them. <3

  5. I guess it shouldn’t be any surprise though, when I think about it in retrospect, but I am also drawn to “lonely things”, or things it seems someone else didn’t want. I am effected emotionally when I see discarded things that could be so wonderful and be given new life. It’s probably why I have a hard time dispensing with things, and why I can be a pack rat. I am just like you, in that I have slightly different preferences for what things I feel that way for.

    In relation to my genitals, I don’t feel the same concept of loss. I think that is because it’s a transformation, not a removal (some of that depends on the results). In some ways, the same could go for your tits… You’ll still have a chest, it just won’t be bumpy. However, there is something to be said for adjustment. Meaning, anytime something “changes” about your body you feel something about it. Either stress and loss, or eustress and gain. Change always brings stress, sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad.

    However, I’d take you tits in and give them a home if such a thing was possible. I wouldn’t be “disinclined” to adopt more of that. I am pretty happy with what I have but I have plenty of room. Though I think my back may protest a little. Shakes fists at science for not having figured how to do that yet, without such high risk that is. I wouldn’t mind the rainbow chainsaw thing if it weren’t for how weird the dream was, but the dream wasn’t negative. I was a girl at the end of it.

    I do have a strange thought though. I have realized my dreams have changed as I have transitioned. Early on I was male a lot in my dreams. Then I was male, trans and sometimes female (though I had a lot more female dreams pre-transition). Now I am trans and female (around 40/60), and very rarely I’ll have a nightmare about being a male. The longer I have had boobs and estrogen the more I am female in my dreams.

    Have you experienced anything like this? Do you know anyone who experiences that either due to transitioning into a more “appropriate” presentation to them, because of surgery, or because of hormones? I really wonder what changes will occur in my dreams once I have my bottom surgery. I wonder how long it will take before all my dreams are of my current body. An interesting thought, since being trans I noticed that gender and dreams play a much larger role in my mood, and dysphoria.

  6. so we’re siblings in weird/awesome, too! yay! thing is, i’m not a pack rat at ALL– i’m actually kinda legendary for owning very few things aside from a few clothes and shit-ton of books. my house plants don’t count cuz they’re family members and we love each other. <3 i manage to control my weird empathy for objects by not picking up round things (i have a special affinity for round things) and by letting my sweetheart help me out.

    "…anytime something “changes” about your body you feel something about it. Either stress and loss, or eustress and gain."

    this helps. like, i know it'd be weird. totally weird. i wouldn't get top surgery and suddenly feel at home in my body. i'd probably be shy and a little freaked out and who knows what else. it's good to remember that.

    i'd love to give my tits away!!!!! (bia DID ask first, though. she asked very sweetly, too. also, too much tit is painful!) like, i feel like they deserve love and respect. they should really be part of someone– it's shit luck for them that they got stuck on me. so i feel like i should keep them just cuz it's not their fault, ya know. not saying i'll keep them for sure, though. just that i feel guilty as fuck.

    again, if i could take them to the river, that'd be right. that's where they (and i) belong, anyway. like if i got top surgery and i didn't return that part of my flesh to the river, i'd be stealing. know what i mean?

    also, dreams are fucked! i'm usually a bigleaf maple tree or a raven in my dreams, so…yeah. your dreams sound interesting, though! i know i've read about something like that elsewhere, but i don't remember where…

  7. I am sorry you can’t take your breasts [tits]** to the river. Sometimes, i think, it really shouldn’t be this hard of a choice. I think if the doctors gave us more options, like okay, maybe it’s a little gross and unhygienic for someone who’s laid on their ass after surgery in a strange motel room or whatever to keep up with…you know…the removed flesh, till they can get home and bury it or whatever they want to do with it, but at least they could offer cremation for the tissue. I know they like to send everything they take off of everyone ever to labs to test it for cancer and such, but even if they insisted on doing that, they could get done with that and still let us have the option of getting our ashes back. Then people could put their ashes wherever they want, and it wouldn’t have much ecological impact on your river, for instance.

    ** edited by mx. punk cuz mx. punk feels dysphoric-y about the word they crossed out. they feel good about it now, though. :) (sorry, sc boy.)

  8. first off, sorry i had to edit your comment. i really need to think of my tits as my “tits,” though “chest” also works for me. i’m not upset about it (no apologies, please!), but i did need to change it. if that’s not cool with you (ex. you don’t like the word “tits”), lemme know how you’d like me to edit the comment and i’ll do so. :)

    yes! CREMATION! that is fucking brilliant and i’m going to ask about that. they’ll say no, but maybe other people will ask and then maybe shit’ll change. cuz if i could spread my tit-ashes in the river– wow. problem solved.

    also, now i’m picturing me in a hotel room with my tits in a plastic bag…rjust hangin’ out and being gross. thing is, i’d feel bad about keeping them in a plastic bag… that’s why CREMATION.

    also, i love these conversations we’re having, lately. your brain is colorful, motion-ful, and just flat-out lovely.

  9. That’s okay. I’m sorry I used a word that hurts you…I wasn’t paying any mind and should have asked or paid attention to the rest of the thread.

    i would prefer taking mine in a bag to just them being thrown away if that was the way to take them. But cremation seems ideal, because it’s neat and easy.

    I like these conversations, too.

  10. Then I said sorry after you said no apologies. Ooops sorry………..

  11. it’s all cool, cat! just crossing out the word totally fixed it. <3 no worries!

  12. Pingback: layers of dysphoria | rainbowgenderpunk

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