belonging-ful

so cats keep asking me how i know i’m nonbinary, mostly cuz they’re questioning their own genders. i’ve sorta touched on this in the past (here and here), but i want to write about it again.

to be clear, i’m not searching for “validation” through writing about knowing my gender. i want to write about it cuz i was a very confused kid, my relevant writings here are a bit contradictory, and i’m still maybe a tad confused as to how i know i’m nonbinary.

also, it’s not like society exactly leaves a shit-ton of space for this kind of thing. it’s no fucking wonder this shit is confusing, right? i think i just want to tell “my story” ™ over and over and over again til i can peel away the bullshit and the hurt.

i guess i want to say more than simply, “i just knew!”  maybe it’s time, ya know? i’ve been thinking and growing; maybe i have some insights i didn’t have before. i’m not expecting to answer any huge questions by writing this post; maybe i just have an itch to scratch.

to start with, i feel comfy in a group of nonbinary cats. this is something i’ve learned from hanging out with nonbinary cats in my qsa. i’m ok with being lumped in with them, gender-wise. even if we all express our genders differently, even if some of us are dfab and some of us are dmab, i still feel like a member of the murder (nonbinary cats come in murders, you see). i feel like i fucking belong on a fundamental level.

if gender is at least somewhat social, if gender is, as natalie puts it, a communicative function, i feel comfortable saying what other nonbinary folks are saying. we can say it together and i don’t feel the need to make myself really stand out. i don’t feel the need to emphasize our differences. well, i guess i don’t feel the need to emphasize our differences gender-wise, though i have great respect for our other differences.

it’s not like our other differences disappear, obviously. my experiences as a white dfab nonbinary person will never be the same as the experiences of a first nations dmab nonbinary person, for instance. but when i’m around nonbinary people, i’m very aware of what we DO share. it’s like this piece of me that doesn’t otherwise belong anywhere gets to feel at home. i think that sense of belonging is an important clue.

still, it’s not like i didn’t know i was nonbinary before i joined my school’s qsa. i did know. maybe i just knew i where i didn’t belong. maybe i had an idea of how it would feel to be around other nonbinary folks: belonging-ful.

i feel like gender is about belongingness and communication. well, i feel like my gender is about belongingness and communication.  i bet this shit is different for everyone, though. thoughts?

anyway, i’m pretty sure this is a worthless exercise. i didn’t end up writing anything more than “i just knew,” did i? regardless, i’ll probably post this cuz i haven’t posted anything in awhile and i just wanna post something. there’s a moral, though; mx. punk should probably stop writing posts about this. they always end up saying very little. bleh.

*   *   *

also, i’m back! yay! i had a reallyreally relaxing holiday. my partner and i are still cut from (most) of his side of the family (i should really update you cats on the family shit), so christmas wasn’t the same as before. it was the first year he didn’t see his parents and siblings on christmas, but we managed to start some fun traditions of our own. also, we spent a shit-ton of time together. yay! and i came out to some people! basically, i was too busy to write posts.

but i think i’m back. i have scads of post-ideas; i’ll get on writing some shit for you lovely cats to peruse. huzzah!

7 responses to “belonging-ful

  1. I’ll say the same thing to you that I did to Midori Skies: Welcome back, I missed you. I get what you’re saying with the sense of belonging. I feel that way about other women.

    i still feel like a member of the murder (nonbinary cats come in murders, you see)

    Murders, as in a murder of crows?

    there’s a moral, though; mx. punk should probably stop writing posts about this. they always end up saying very little. bleh.

    Write about it as much as you want. I always find your perspective fascinating. I’m looking forward to more posts from you.

  2. thanks, cat. <3

    i feel like i'm always spinning around trying to, i dunno, explain something to myself. like, if i don't know i'm nonbinary cuz ~gender expression~ or cuz ~biology~ or whatevs, then…why? how? it doesn't really matter and i know i don't need a reason, but i'd like to think about the clues, ya know? except i don't know what they even are. ah, well.

    yes. nonbinary folks are like crows. mwa. (so very happy right now, you have no idea. yay!)

  3. maybe i just knew i where i didn’t belong.

    That’s a wise way to put it. Man doesn’t feel right, Woman feels totally wrong. And non-binary just doesn’t have that icky repellant feeling. To me it just fits.

  4. Pingback: Belonging-ful « This Mongrel Land

  5. Hey! Good to see you blogging again!

    I can’t think of anything else to say except that this post was thought provoking, although my thoughts are not cooperating with my attempts to corral them into coherent sentences and/or paragraphs just at the moment. Which kind of makes me think that this entire paragraph is superfluous, but how could I not post it after coming up with that metaphor comparing thoughts to unruly herd animals?

  6. you’re just lovely. lulz. <3 also, i'm reallyreally surprised that cats like this post. after i wrote it, i felt like i'd just harfed all over my keyboard, but i decided to post it anyway cuz i wanted to post something. funny how that works.

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