waiting for top surgery

[TW: body dysphoria]

sometimes i’m so patient about top surgery. i know it’ll happen one day and freaking out won’t make it happen any sooner. right? that’s what i tell myself, anyway.

but, fuck, i need that shit right now. my dysphoria gets worse all the time. sometimes i try to ignore it so i don’t just panic, but it’s getting harder.

i have trouble with mirrors. if i look in the mirror, i won’t see mx. punk and i might cry. i think it’s better when i’m naked cuz then i can see exactly what the problem is; it’s those 2 round things and they need to come off. the rest is just me and i can see where i end and my tits begin. but it’s really hard with clothes on cuz then my whole body just looks wrong.

i can’t bind now cuz it’s summer and i don’t wanna die of heatstroke, so i hunch when i’m in public. i try not to hunch, but i hunch right back over as soon as i stop paying attention. and i wanna fucking stop hunching over before i permanently fuck up my back, but i can’t relax with my e-cup tits sticking out. which sounds fucking silly, but yeah.

when i was in school, i increasingly stayed home from school cuz of body dysphoria. i’d spend all day taking care of myself; i’d have long showers, hang out naked (cuz of the clothes-problem i described above), write, and snuggle my sweetheart. i don’t think i ever skipped school more than once or twice a month, but it was weird cuz i didn’t skip once til last year when my body dysphoria got really bad.

anyway, what i’m saying is that i’m starting to feel like this is really fucking urgent, but i haven’t done much to save money. i haven’t put up a donate button or opened a savings account where i can put money so i won’t spend it by accident. but i will. i’ll start with a bank account and a donate button on my blog.

and i’m ok. i know i’m ok. i know i’ll keep being ok. shit’s going really well, ya know? and i know i’ll get top surgery one day. so i’m ok.

patience is hard. but it’s easier when i draw pictures of me being patient:
Image

4 responses to “waiting for top surgery

  1. I’m happy to see you back and that things are going well for you home-wise. I just today figured out you were back and I had to catch up on your posts. As for being patient, it’s so hard at times. Take it a day at a time and make those changes (bank account & donate button) so you can see that your goal will be attainable.

    I’m just glad to see you posting again. :)

  2. Post an update when you get that donate button up. I hope you’re well otherwise. Oh and if you can avoid it, don’t use PayPal, they are scum fuck assholes.
    I say that the nicest way possible.

  3. whoa. no paypal, eh? k. i have no idea how to do it, then. :( good news is that i now have a bank account in my real name! and can put all my top surgery buttons in it!

  4. @ moria: aw, thanks, cat! <3

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