like my new banner/header/thing?

i think this is it, so…i might stop changing shit on you for a while. yay!

belonging-ful

so cats keep asking me how i know i’m nonbinary, mostly cuz they’re questioning their own genders. i’ve sorta touched on this in the past (here and here), but i want to write about it again.

to be clear, i’m not searching for “validation” through writing about knowing my gender. i want to write about it cuz i was a very confused kid, my relevant writings here are a bit contradictory, and i’m still maybe a tad confused as to how i know i’m nonbinary.

also, it’s not like society exactly leaves a shit-ton of space for this kind of thing. it’s no fucking wonder this shit is confusing, right? i think i just want to tell “my story” ™ over and over and over again til i can peel away the bullshit and the hurt.

i guess i want to say more than simply, “i just knew!”  maybe it’s time, ya know? i’ve been thinking and growing; maybe i have some insights i didn’t have before. i’m not expecting to answer any huge questions by writing this post; maybe i just have an itch to scratch.

to start with, i feel comfy in a group of nonbinary cats. this is something i’ve learned from hanging out with nonbinary cats in my qsa. i’m ok with being lumped in with them, gender-wise. even if we all express our genders differently, even if some of us are dfab and some of us are dmab, i still feel like a member of the murder (nonbinary cats come in murders, you see). i feel like i fucking belong on a fundamental level.

if gender is at least somewhat social, if gender is, as natalie puts it, a communicative function, i feel comfortable saying what other nonbinary folks are saying. we can say it together and i don’t feel the need to make myself really stand out. i don’t feel the need to emphasize our differences. well, i guess i don’t feel the need to emphasize our differences gender-wise, though i have great respect for our other differences.

it’s not like our other differences disappear, obviously. my experiences as a white dfab nonbinary person will never be the same as the experiences of a first nations dmab nonbinary person, for instance. but when i’m around nonbinary people, i’m very aware of what we DO share. it’s like this piece of me that doesn’t otherwise belong anywhere gets to feel at home. i think that sense of belonging is an important clue.

still, it’s not like i didn’t know i was nonbinary before i joined my school’s qsa. i did know. maybe i just knew i where i didn’t belong. maybe i had an idea of how it would feel to be around other nonbinary folks: belonging-ful.

i feel like gender is about belongingness and communication. well, i feel like my gender is about belongingness and communication.  i bet this shit is different for everyone, though. thoughts?

anyway, i’m pretty sure this is a worthless exercise. i didn’t end up writing anything more than “i just knew,” did i? regardless, i’ll probably post this cuz i haven’t posted anything in awhile and i just wanna post something. there’s a moral, though; mx. punk should probably stop writing posts about this. they always end up saying very little. bleh.

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also, i’m back! yay! i had a reallyreally relaxing holiday. my partner and i are still cut from (most) of his side of the family (i should really update you cats on the family shit), so christmas wasn’t the same as before. it was the first year he didn’t see his parents and siblings on christmas, but we managed to start some fun traditions of our own. also, we spent a shit-ton of time together. yay! and i came out to some people! basically, i was too busy to write posts.

but i think i’m back. i have scads of post-ideas; i’ll get on writing some shit for you lovely cats to peruse. huzzah!

i’m working on my header/banner-thing

and i totes wouldn’t mind some feedback/ideas. i just put up this picture of a rainbow chasing some folks; it’s pretty awesome, but i don’t think it’s a good banner/header-thing. it isn’t rainbow-ful enough, for one thing. and i was horribly bored of that plain rainbow; it lacked…zazz. also, i might want to stick the title of my blog right in my header/banner-thing.

so, um, if anyone has any ideas they’re just raring to share, please do. thanks!

my school’s queer-straight alliance is wicked-awesome

i know i have enough privilege (white, currently-abled, dfab, conditional cis) to not have to worry about my safety as much as, say, tpoc, but i feel like i always have to be ready for shit.  it’s weird cuz i don’t realize i have my hackles up til i enter actual safe space– and then my shoulders slip down by increments and my stunned jaw thaws.  it’s like i’m so tense all the time that i don’t realize i’m tense til my body tells me it’s over.

every time i walk into the room where my qsa meets, it’s the same.   i realize i’ve been holding myself in when i finally get to sit down in that small room filled with fabulous queers.  those cats are just neon.

i joined my school’s qsa in october-ish; it’s been pretty fucking rad.  also, there’re a bunch of trans* folks in my qsa– and i’m not the only nonbinary person!  huzzah!  i actually get to interact with cats whose pronouns are the same as mine.

i don’t know how to describe my feelings about hanging out with other nonbinary trans* folks in meatspace.  it makes me feel real/safe/solid/shocked/excited/humbled!  i don’t know.  i just can’t explain it, but i bet lotsa you cats know what i’m talking about.  like, i’m SOLID now.  i might actually be a real person!  and these cats always get my pronouns right; that’s pretty rare.  pretty special.

also, all the cis folks in my qsa are lovely and i love them.  <3  they make me feel safe and they seem to give a shit about trans* people.  yay!

i’m rambling.  sorry, folks!  i guess it’s past my bedtime and shit, but i just wanted to tell you about my qsa; they’re a fucking neon bunch.  glitter and plaid for all!  g’night!

also, here’s a silly picture of some of the cats in my qsa:

crunch!

cats, it’s fucking CRUNCH time and i’m dying of homework.  also, exams in a few days.  rrrrrrrrrr!  anyway, i haven’t forgotten about you!  i totes have shit-tons of neon post ideas and i’ll share them with you in a week or so.

til then, here’s a silly story about an asshole i met in a clothing store a few months ago.  basically, i was all like, “do you have any gender-inclusive change rooms?”  and she was all like, “we have a family change room, but you can’t use it cuz you aren’t a family.”  so i was like, “well, i’m not a woman or a man blah blah blah nonbinary gender blah blah…”  and she made a grossed-out face, forced herself to smile, and was all like

pansexuality test!

at last!  a handy, totally reliable, well-researched test to separate the pansexuals from the non-pansexuals!  i know you want it cuz you keep fucking googling it, so here it is.  you’re welcome.

*   *   *

1) do you identify as pansexual?

2) do you experience attraction to people of all genders (binary and nonbinary) and/or experience attraction to people regardless of gender?

*   *   *

if you answered “yes” to both questions, you’re pansexual.

if you answered “yes” to #1, you’re pansexual.  if you answered “no” to #1, you’re not pansexual.  pretty simple.

“yes” to #2 means you’re probably some sort of multisexual (umbrella term pansexuality falls under), but you could be bisexual, polysexual, pansexual etc.  it’s up to you, cat.

if you answered “yes” to #1 but “no” to #2, i don’t know what to tell you.  i’m not going to police your sexuality, but i’m not familiar with your flavor of pansexuality.  maybe school me?

if you answered “no” to both questions, you’re not pansexual and you know it.  you’re still fucking rad, though.  cupcakes for everyone!

the moral of the story is you own your sexuality and you get to name it.  yay!

(and how fucking silly is it that i even made this “test?”  people keep finding my blog by googling “pansexuality test” so i made one.  and now i feel silly.  seriously, do you cats think this “test” is un-police-y enough?  or should it just consist of question #1?)

stuff pansexuals need to know

10 panphobic myths

fuck NO, pan problems!

 

layers of dysphoria

lately, i’ve been thinking about the ways i experience dysphoria.  my dysphoria seems to occur in layers like a rainbow jar cake, only shitty instead of awesome.

also, i’m gonna try to keep this organized cuz dysphoria is a big, messy topic.  yeah.

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the top layer: social dysphoria

for a while, social dysphoria was the worst thing ever for me, but body dysphoria wasn’t a problem.  i was all like, i love my tits!  yay for my tits!  but i’m gonna die next time i get misgendered, zomg!

then i came out to a shit ton of people.  i started insisting on non-gendered pronouns, i legally changed my name, i started wearing a gender tag, and i calmed down about my social dysphoria.

i mean, it’s still a big deal for me cuz i get read as a binary person 100% of the time, but i feel like i can fucking respond to misgendering.  like, you fucking misgender me and i will correct you.  i know where all the gender-inclusive bathrooms are in my town and i refuse to use gendered bathrooms.  my teachers know i’m a nonbinary trans* person, my family knows, my buddies know– and most of them are supportive.  basically, i’m transitioning socially and i’m fucking handling my social dysphoria like a boss.

i think my social dysphoria will always be an issue cuz, like, i don’t know what to do even do in order to consistently be read as nonbinary.  i think i’d settle for confusing some people for a split second, ya know?  like, “what are you?!!  oh, you look like a woman/man.  ok, then.”  that’d be good enough, i think.  so social dysphoria forever, though it’s somewhat alleviated.

*   *   *

the next layer: body dysphoria

body dysphoria wasn’t an issue for me for a long time, though i struggled with it during puberty.  like, shit sucked for a while, but i guess i buried my body dysphoria or something cuz there were long years when it didn’t even come up.  now that i’m not obsessing over my social dysphoria, though, it turns out there’s a gross mess of body dysphoria underneath the social dysphoria.  oog.

(note: for me, body dysphoria is about my tits and my…”inside-junk.”  i’m not going to do anything about my inside-junk for a while, if ever, but my tits are GOING.  and i can’t talk about my inside-junk cuz dysphoria.  so let’s not go there, lovelies.)

so i’ve been binding more and more often, having meltdowns when i can’t get flat enough (or can’t bind cuz i have to sing at school), and fantasizing about killing a rich person and stealing their money to fund top surgery.

i do this thing where i put on 2 binders, put on my magical binding clothes (they’re encrusted with faery dust and they make me look flatter), look in the mirror, and try to see myself in there.  now that i have 2 binders that work well together, it’s usually not hard to see mx. punk in the mirror.  usually, i just glance in the mirror and start crying in relief.

before i had 2 binders, though, i couldn’t get very flat at ALL.  i’d struggle with the velcro and the flesh, get all leaky and upset, give up on getting flatter, and squint at my reflection to try to find mx. punk.

the first time i did that was in spring 2012.  except, it wasn’t really the first time.  it was the first time in fucking YEARS, but when i started trying to find the mx. punk in the mirror, i remembered doing it before.  i did it constantly in middle school.  like, go to the bathroom– squish tits down and squint at the mirror.  try on clothes– squish tits down and squint at the mirror.  etc.

i think i seriously buried that shit.

so, yeah.  top surgery asap.  it’ll probably take years, but i’ll save the money somehow.  it’s funny how quickly i went from “i love my tits” to “get them off get them OFF!  GETTHEMTHEFUCKOFFME!!!!”  i guess that’s what happens when you peel back one layer of dysphoria and find another layer of dysphoria.

*   *   *

i don’t know where i’m going with this ramble-y post, but i think i’ll stop now.  i should be doing homework anyway.  any thoughts, cats?  has anyone else experienced this weird layering of dysphoria?  and what if there’re more layers?!!  talk to me, peoples!  <3

reader questions about attraction

edit: i bet you’re wondering why i called this post “pansexual attraction.”  yeah, me too.  i think i was working on another post at the same time that was actually about pansexual attraction, but i got mixed up and misnamed this post.  really, this post is about attraction in general.  sorry about that, cats!

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one of my totally wicked readers sent me some really good questions and i answered them as best i could.  i figured i’d better share our conversation with you neon cats just in case other people have similar questions and/or folks have stuff to add to the conversation.

I read your article about pansexualism and I had some questions. You said that if you say you’re sexually attracted to ‘men, women and trans’ that’s cissexist. But what if you’re a heterosexual man who is just not attracted to any kind of genitals other than a vulva, and any other kind of person than somebody that identifies as a woman? Or what if you are bisexual, but you only are attracted to people with penises that identify as men or people with vulvas that identify as women? Can you really help what kind of genitals you are attracted to, and what you like your ideal person to look like? I think saying that you’re attracted to transpeople makes it sound like you don’t consider them to be male/female, especially if they are binary identifying trans people, I just wonder about bisexuals and heterosexuals and homosexuals that only are attracted to people whose genitals match their identified gender. I guess, can you be attracted to a certain sex of person and a certain gender? I don’t really know.

Also I read your post about the tits and the pumpkins and I totally always buy the last thing in the discount bin because I don’t want it to feel lonely. Just thinking about it kinda makes me teary eyes.

I’m also very sorry if I was offensive, I’m just learning. That’s no excuse, but it’s the truth, and I’ve combed through it trying to get rid of offensive language.

–anonymous

hi!  i love questions!

the problem with saying you’re attracted to “men, women, and trans* people” is that you’re placing all trans* people outside “men” and “women.”  this sucks because some trans* people ARE men or women; they don’t need any well-meaning pansexuals to erase their existence.  society already tells trans* men and trans* women they aren’t “real” men/women and that they’re “really” the gender they were designated at birth; and they don’t need any more of that kind of thing.  i think you already know this, but i want to make sure we’re on the same page.

moving on.  by definition, a heterosexual guy is a (cis or trans*) guy who only experiences attraction to women.  he may experience attraction to some bodies/genitals but not to others, but that doesn’t impact his heterosexuality.  so a straight guy who only likes vulvae is no more straight than a straight guy who likes all sorts of genitals.  as long as he’s only really attracted to (cis and/or trans*) women, he’s heterosexual.

same thing goes for the bisexual person you describe; they’re no more or less bi than a bisexual person who’s attracted to people with all sorts of genitals.

the other thing to remember is that lots of trans* people get bottom surgery and, in many cases, are thereafter indistinguishable from cis folks.  that means that a straight guy, for instance, who only likes women with vulvae may experience attraction to trans* women with vulvae as well as to cis women with vulvae.  if the mere fact of transness is a problem for this hypothetical guy, he’s kinda cissexist/transmisogynist.  however, if he really just likes (cis/trans*) women with vulvae– cool.

so, yes, it’s totally ok to only be attracted to certain genital configurations; it’s a healthy part of some people’s sexuality.  i’m going to include some relevant reading: the “ethical” imperative of disclosure and the question of fetishization.  they’re both natalie reed articles that discuss trans* bodies, attraction, and all sorts of interesting stuff.  you may have already read them, but i thought you might like them.  also, attraction down the privilege gradient by lisa millbank is kinda relevant.  it discusses how our attractions don’t develop in a vacuum, but are informed by our social/political climate.  anyway.  just in case you love reading.  <3

your message isn’t offensive at all!  i’m really not very uptight about stuff like that (though i think i know why so many people think i am).  we all mess up (me, too!) and i think it’s important to call each other out so we can learn from our mistakes.  that’s all.  no public shaming or stoning or anything like that.  :)

thanks for asking and please lemme know if you have any more questions or if i didn’t answer these questions well enough.  stay splendid!

splendidly,
mx. punk <3

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any thoughts, readers?  how’d i do?  any further advice for the asker?

queer dinosaur in space!

queer t-rex on the moon with rainbows.  that is all.

silly nobinary folks! accurate pronouns are for binary people!

there’s this thing that sucks really hard: binary folks basically telling nonbinary folks that asking for respect (asking for our nongendered pronouns) is asking too much.  it needs to stop, cats.  please.

we don’t need binary folks to tell us how fucking hard it is to get other people to respect our nongendered pronouns.  we already know that.  we LIVE that.  so when well-meaning binary folks come along and tell us (kindly, in my experience) that the thing we’re asking for is going to make work for other people—don’t.  we already know.

i’m not saying you should be all like, “yeah!  i bet if you just tell everyone, people will automatically start applying your nongendered pronouns to you without any fuckups!  yeah!”  cuz, you know, that’d come off as kinda sarcastic.

but you could be all like, “yeah, i’ll do my best.  please correct me when i slip up and i promise to be graceful about it.  do you want me to help you teach other people your pronouns?”  something like that.  cuz honest support would be rad.  thanks, cats.

for a small sampling of receipts, check out the comment section of gender-neutral pronouns presenting a problem [TRIGGER WARNING: binarist asshattery].