so, i used to hate my tits soooooo much…

is it weird to quote yourself?  because i read one of ladyxxxlazarus’ posts, replied to it and subsequently felt like writing this post.  so i’m gonna quote myself.  not cuz i think i’m the shit (well, i am the shit, and so are you), but so you know where my brain came from.

“i started cutting when i was 5 and i’ve been pretty serious about it at times.

 i’ll feel like all this burning/freezing and heavy goo is pulsing under my skin, emotion so thick/sharp i can’t tell if it’s joy or sorrow. so i’ll slit my flesh and it’ll ooze out. then i’ll be able to say, “oh, i felt THIS because of THAT.”

 not  cutting when i need to cut makes me feel like i might have a seizure or just explode or something.

 my partner won’t let me cut. i still have trouble with it from time to time, but he tells me that i’m his and that i’m not allowed to vandalize his property. that helps, actually. it makes me feel safe, like this terrible emotion won’t be able to hurt me and nothing can get me at all— and i calm down a bit.

 my partner thinks cutting is emotionally damaging for the cutter because, like most people, he thinks that it’s healthy and natural to have a certain respect for one’s body.

 i don’t really agree with him, but i know that HE isn’t allowed to vandalize MY property (“his” body). i would cry and be angry if he cut himself— cuz that’s MINE.

 so, some people think cutting causes permanent harm. but does it really? it depends who you ask, i guess.”  —mx. punk re: Whining about Self-Injury by ladyxxxlazarus (read original post)

pwing!  i’m just gonna go off from here and see if i end up with a post.  then you guys can tell me what you think/feel about it.

i’ve cut myself for many reasons.  the biggest reason was puberty; i didn’t want to “become a woman”.

before i actually started growing tits and bleeding outta my pussy, i guess i just assumed that my body wasn’t going to turn on me.  sure, i sorta knew what to expect, but i just assumed that because i didn’t feel like a woman, i wasn’t going end up looking like a woman.

i wore boys’ clothes throughout my entire childhood.  i also experimented (in elementary school and again in high school) with living as a guy.  i always ended up deciding that “boy” wasn’t much better than “girl”.  this went on until i eventually admitted what i’d always known–  that i’m a non-binary trans person.

so puberty triggered a few years of obsessive cutting and chest-binding.  i couldn’t understand how i could feel so unfeminine and still be growing tits— and earlier than all the icky girls in my class!  and the advent of the big bleed made me feel like a sick little alien, or something.

all this shit made me feel like something was pulsing under my skin.  it was so intense that i couldn’t tell what it was— so i’d cut.

i did eventually realize that my tits weren’t feminine, even if hers were.  nowadays, i love my tits and pussy.  why not?  they don’t make me female— and they’re a shit ton of fun!  my partner helped me a lot in overcoming my insecurities about appearing female.

my partner makes me feel extremely comfortable.  well, he also makes me feel all hot and tingly, but that’s something else entirely.  anyway.  i know that he sees me as mx. punk, his veryvery good kitty and not as a woman— regardless of what clothes i’m wearing and whether or not i’m sporting any tit.  so i don’t really want to change my body, these days.  plus, i’m not mortally terrified of being caught wearing bracelets and giggling.

i still want to cut from time to time, though.  it’s like, i feel that heavy flood of emotion, so wild i can’t tell if it’s sweetness or fear— and then i want to slit my flesh and let it escape the confines of my tiny body.

6 responses to “so, i used to hate my tits soooooo much…

  1. Boy, do I understand. Also, thank you for adding the disclaimer about pronouns. :)

  2. I have always understood the urge to cut, even if I never actually practiced it. Internalizing feelings is powerful, and impossible to avoid for some.

    When I started going through puberty, and was terrified of anything I perceived as feminine happening to my body, I don’t think I ever realized that I had options. I always thought there was something wrong with me for not enjoying “feminine” things, and that I had to make myself accustomed to them. I wish I had realized that I could have dressed like a boy, cut my hair short, or even just felt secure in my un-femininity instead of feeling like a failure. I’ll never know why it took me so long to realize I had options about the way I presented myself. But thank goodness options exist!

  3. thanks for responding!

    i’m lucky that my parents let me do whatever i wanted. my mom gave up on me when i was three (and gave birth to an actual daughter) and my dad was irresponsibly supportive (still is). so i got to have short hair and wear boys’ clothes.

    really, i’m glad i ended up feeling comfy with my rockin’ boobage— top surgery is expensive. i know that some people just aren’t comfortable with boobs and that top-surgery is their only option.

  4. Totally. I lucked out, by wearing a sports bra and non-skin tight shirt, you can’t even tell. Which makes me pretty happy. I think I’d struggle a lot more if I had more boob to deal with.

    Had a conversation with my mom recently, and she said: Well you’ve always had issues with [your assigned gender]. And I was like, didn’t you think that meant something? She said: No, you just have a difficult relationship with your father

    …so not the same thing, mom…

  5. I’ve had problems with SI (and still do) and some of my earliest stuff was from my confusion around gender and sexuality stuff. The noise built up and…well. It was also a huge self-punishment thing, like “how dare I be different” stuff.

    On a separate note, I totally get what you’re saying with the “her tits are feminine but mine aren’t” thing. It took me a while, but I eventually realized that even though other people see my body as male, I’m not really male-bodied, more like me-bodied. It was a very liberating realization.

  6. “me-bodied”. i really dig that!

    and the whole “how dare i be different” thing is pretty tough, isn’t it? that’s what makes it hard for me to come out to strangers and to ask them to apply non-gendered pronouns to me. i guess the thing to remember is that we all have the right to be ourselves. sure, we’re all people and we all share a lot of our experiences (i don’t believe that any of us are all that unique), but we’re still autonomous beings with all sorts of odd complexities. rock on!

write stuff

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s