Monthly Archives: August 2012

in other news: my tits!

i’m of the opinion that tits are often fun to discuss, so i’m gonna write another post about my tits.  huzzah!  if you’re interested in my tits but you haven’t been keeping up with all my tit-related posts, see here and here for further discussion of my tits.

i started seeing a counsellor sometime this month and we’ve mainly been talking about my tits.  mostly, top surgery YES? or top surgery NO?  it’s been pretty useful and my counsellor is pretty awesome.  like, did not have to tell her about nonbinary gender– she was already on that shit.

so she’s been helping me untangle my brain a bit.  one thing we’ve worked out is this: when i think of doing future-things with my sweetheart, i usually imagine myself without tits.  and when i DO imagine myself doing future-things with my sweetheart while titted, i get pretty down.   like, disappointed and regretful.  so that’s something.

my counsellor also thinks it might be significant that i would get top surgery TOMORROW if i could find my tits a new home.  we explored this a bit and i think i’m empathizing with my tits too much.  like it’d be mean to just cut them off and leave them somewhere.

this kind of thing is a big issue for me.  this one time, my sweetheart and i were going to make curry with a sugar pumpkin.  while making it, my sweetheart passed me the intact pumpkin– and i snuggled it.  it was round, it was in my lap, and i wanted to protect it.  we ended up having to “set it free” in the forest cuz i cried uncontrollably when my sweetheart tried to chop it up.  also, i’ll buy the last item in a clearance bin cuz it looks lonely.  i also pat our dehumidifier on the head cuz it’s doing a good job.

so i think i’m getting my weird empathy for inanimate things entangled with my tits.  i need to fucking work that shit out.

i’ve also discovered that i hate the work of the only surgeon who’s covered by medical insurance in my province.  seriously.  there’s just one surgeon and he does a lumpy job.  so no thanks, i’d rather spend years saving up for a non-lumpy chest.  thanks, though.  O.0

i’m really leaning toward top surgery and i’m going to start saving up all my buttons and string just in case.  i still have shit to untangle, but i think i know where this is headed.

as always, i’d love some more advice/kind words about this. also, thanks for reading, cats!

ps:  magically, reneta just wrote something pretty relevant in a reply to one of my comments on her rad blog.  “I think it’s a sign that there [are] things about your body you feel are holding you back as a person.”  oh, yes.  yes, i think so, sparkle-cat.

words the wordpress spell checker doesn’t know about:

  • dysphoria
  • misgender
  • cissexism
  • heterosexism
  • transmisogyny

you sure do have your trans*/queer bloggers close to your heart, wordpress.  i love you, too.

coming out as trans* at school

school will be starting soon; i’ll be returning to university on september 4th.  i’m really fucking nervous.  like, i’m losing sleep and not really taking care of myself (not spending enough time outside, mainly).  i keep promising myself that i’ll be fine once school actually starts and i’ll start taking care of myself at that point, but i’m feeling pretty shitty.

so i’ve decided to start taking care of myself NOW by going outside more often, writing scary fairy tales, and telling you cats about my silly nervous tummy.

i totally didn’t mean for that to sound so cute.  sorry, folks.

anyway, i’ll be wearing my gender tag to school and insisting on non-gendered pronouns.  last year, i was out to everybody i managed to bring it up with and i used the non-gendered bathrooms exclusively, but this is gonna be different.  and that freaks me the fuck out, folks.  like, i’m having nightmares about it already.

last night, i had this nightmare where this teacher who i really look up to went all radscum on me cuz his partner is a radfem and my dream-brain thinks he must be total radscum.  even though i have no idea how he feels about trans* people and it’s never even come up.  but it WILL come up on the first day of school.  i’ll be sitting right in front of him wearing my gender tag and i won’t let him misgender me without protesting loudly.

i’ll have to be loud about my nonbinary gender around the other students, too.  most of them don’t know me at all cuz i tend to keep to myself.  i USED to be all social at school, but my increasing social dysphoria really shut me up last year, so i’m gonna be that weird, withdrawn person who only comes out to correct misgendering.

cuz the thing is, once somebody knows i’m nonbinary, THEY WILL NEVER GET AWAY WITH MISGENDERING ME AGAIN.  EVER.  that’s like, part of my self-respect policy, paragraph 11.  so i’m intimidated right now.  i’m intimidated by all the standing up for myself i’m going to do at school.

also, i need to plan out what i’m going to say to people.  i think just telling people my pronouns are “they/them/their” should be good enough.  cuz i already have trouble when i try to explain nonbinary gender to peoples unless they’re specifically interested in it.  thoughts on this?

i don’t know what i’m scared of specifically, but i just wanted to talk about it in the open with you lovely peoples.  thanks for reading, cats!

how do you deal with dysphoria/misgendering at school?

the search term post: every blogger has to write at least one of these

some bloggers like to tell their readers about their most awesome search engine terms every month, but i’ve been saving mine up since i started blogging over a year ago.  i’ve been compiling a list of my favorite search terms all this time– and now i’m gonna share ’em with you.  yay!

first, though, i’d like to thank all the intrepid internaughts who made this totally ridiculous list possible.  yay for you!  (seriously, yay!)

(to be totally clear, these are search terms that led peoples to my splendid blog-space.)

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i don’t believe in abelism

rad!  cuz your disbelief in ableism magically makes ableism DISAPPEAR!  no doubt, pwd throughout the galaxy will hail you as a hero.

photo scaly man

i assume you’re talking about warren, the famed half-fish superhero.  yeah, i know that cat.  conveniently, he just commissioned a portrait:

look no pants ass

just a random ass for ya.  without pants.  also without legs cuz i suck at drawing.  the background is blue cuz, well, the sunny days with blue skies are the best days for streaking, imo.

how to talk to a pansexual

use small words in small word-strings.  we suck with word-stuffs.

i’m awesome ninja!

me, too!

what does a pansexual’s brain look like?

like rainbow jar cakes.  that’s why we’re so weird; people keep mistaking our brains for delicious snacks and EATING them.  in turn, this makes us want to eat other people’s brains in order to regain cephalization.

what to do if you’re pansexual

start eating other people’s brains and smearing glitter all over your body!

boys men end cock 10 inges fucks end gay men

what does “inges” mean?  is it some sex slang term i’ve never heard of?  is it a sex toy?  also, how young are these boys you’re searching for?  cuz if they’re under 18, you can fuck the fuck off.

pansexualism interesting facts

we’re all ninjas.  there’s an interesting fact for ya.  also, our brains look like rainbow jar cakes.

christmas gifts genderqueer pink

no pink, please.  some fishnets and a plaid shirt would be rad gifts, though.  and some acrylic paints; mine are running out.  also, food stamps would rock neoncore.

pansexual the only valid identity

really?!  somebody should probably tell the gay/bi/straight/ace etc. people!  alert the media!  (seriously, though.  what planet are you from and can i go there on vacation?)

pansexuals have taken over

and now everyone must engage in a worldwide bondage/sex riot!  huzzah!

genitals shoes

wash the shoes before combining those 2 items, k?

do pansexuals fuck toasters?

no, silly!  we only fuck pans.  however, we DO tend to discriminate against non-stick pans cuz we don’t want to get teflon on/in our glistening junk.  lube works better, anyway; we like a little friction.

non-binary trans people everywhere

non-binary trans* folks have joined forces with pansexual folks to take over the world; of COURSE we’re everywhere.  and why?!  cuz we share the dream of a worldwide bondage/sex riot!

why so many pansexuals

because we’ve taken over, remember?  and we’re going to have a worldwide bondage/sex riot?  REMEMBER?  you said you’d wear your harness!

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you’re welcome.

on “genderblind”

i have some stuff to say about the term “genderblind.”  i’m gonna try to be careful about not stepping on other people’s toes, but please lemme know if i fail, k?

k.  so “genderblind” makes me uncomfortable cuz it makes me think you actually don’t see gender (or you like to behave as though you don’t see gender).  actually, “genderblind” sorta reminds me of “color blind,” a truly problematic and racist phenomenon.

if you don’t see gender, how can you respect gender?  if you don’t see gender and if you have difficulty respecting gender– are you going to get my pronouns right?  are you going to get, say, reneta’s pronouns right?  are you going to acknowledge the concrete differences between being a cis person and being a trans* person?  are you going to acknowledge cis privilege and trans* oppression?

if you don’t see gender, how can you acknowledge that people of different genders may have different needs and are treated differently by society at large?  like, if i’m at your dinner party and you say you “don’t see dietary restrictions,”– what if i’m a diabetic? a vegetarian? allergic to peanuts?  how can you be prepared to feed people if you don’t see or respect their dietary restrictions?  (i don’t really know if this is a good parallel; sorry if it sucks.)

i fight every single day to be seen as my gender.  i come out to strangers on the fly CONSTANTLY (cuz it’s in my self-respect policy).  i end up holding in my piss for hours cuz i can’t find a non-gendered bathroom.  i have to avoid restaurants without non-gendered bathrooms.  i have to avoid clothing stores without non-gendered change rooms.  strangers feel entitled to tell me i’m gross when i come out as trans*.  i have to lie to the government on official forms, and my partner and i are estranged from his side of the family– so i reallyreally hope you aren’t telling me you think my gender is unimportant.

i put a lot of work into fighting for the right to take up space in this world as a person of my gender– and that matters to me.  the widespread notion that people of my gender don’t even exist affects me in a million ways every day; i WANT you to see my gender.  i want you to see ME and all my little bits– and that includes my non-binary gender.

and what about (usually dmab) trans* people who face violence for their genders?  i mean, cissexism isn’t genderblind.  i also hope you aren’t blind to the realities of rape culture; rape culture isn’t genderblind, either.

this probably isn’t what you mean when you tell me you’re genderblind.  i know.  but this is what you leave me with when you just tell me you’re genderblind and act like the conversation’s done.

thoughts, anyone?  am i the only one who doesn’t think “genderblind” is just a harmless little word?

*   *   *

if you’re genderblind, i’m not challenging you; you’re entitled to id however you like without having to explain yourself to people in internet-land.

however, i do think there are ways of id-ing as genderblind that aren’t problematic.  like, if you tell me you’re genderblind and then you talk about what that means to you– yay.  cuz i know lotsa people just mean they don’t discriminate based on gender, they believe all people deserve the same basic rights, and/or  they experience attraction to people regardless of gender.  which is lovely.

this post is really just about the things that go through my head when people drop the word “genderblind” and leave it at that.

we need the word “cisgender”

i’ve been noticing that lots of writers avoid the word “cisgender,” opting instead for “non-trans*” or “not-trans*” or “genetic *” or “bio*.”

matt kailey does it (i love matt kailey!), the government does it when it decides to differentiate between trans* people and cis people, most of the pieces in the (totally awesome) gender outlaws: the next generation do it, and people trying to be inclusive do it (etc.).

i have trouble with this.  i don’t fucking get it.  “cisgender” is a specific, value-neutral term for a group of people who are typically centered as the default.  i think we need to decentralize cis-ness by naming it in an accurate and value-neutral way– such as with the word “cisgender.”

so why are some people so squeamish about the word?  i mean, grues are squeamish about being called “cis” cuz they’re fucking grues and they don’t want the icky trans* folks to talk about them in value-neutral ways– but what about everybody else?  in particular, why are some trans* people reluctant to use the word “cisgender?”

i mean, imagine if matt kailey (i’m picking on him cuz i read his blog voraciously and i’m ultra used to his usage of “non-trans”), a relatively high-profile trans* writer, activist, and educator actually used the word “cisgender.”  i imagine that a shit-ton of cis folks would be introduced to the concept of cis-ness in a rather clear, reaspectful way.  matt seems clever, articulate, and respectful; i think he could do a lot to decentralize cis-ness through naming it.

same thing with gender outlaws: the next generation.  awesome book– i reallyreally love it, but very few of the pieces in it actually call cis people “cis” rather than “non-trans*,” “bio *,” or even “genetic *.”  i think the alternatives to “cis” further centralize cis-ness– so why spread them around?

the main reason i’ve run into is in regards to comprehension.  apparently, people don’t want to introduce other people to new words because they want people to know what they’re talking about.  that seems reasonable, but why not write “cisgender (non-transgender)?”  that’s what some people do and it seems to work awesomely.

i realize that we don’t always have time to educate cis people; if we’re coming out to someone on the fly, we may not want to include new words.  i also realize that we get exhausted with educating people and that the burden of education lies with the oppressors rather than with the oppressed.  taking care of ourselves is more important than going out of our way to educate our oppressors, even though those 2 things often intersect.

that said, when so many trans* folks seem downright squeamish about the word “cisgender–” doesn’t that tell cis people it’s a dirty word (if they ever hear of it)?  and if we’re writing and we have time/space to breathe and to think about our words, why not just call a cis person a cis person?  (i realize that it may be unsafe to use the word “cisgender” in some situations.)

also, if you try to include trans* people in your surveys, your official government form-thingies, your medical intake forms etc. and some trans* person tells you about “cis” and how it’s less problematic than “bio *” or just “woman/man–” please don’t just tell me you don’t want to confuse people.  cuz “cisgender (non-transgender)” is pretty clear to me.

i’m honestly struggling with this; feel free to offer up some wisdom-nuggets of awesome.  seriously, let’s confabulate!

resources: cis is not a slur, grues and “cisgender” is not a slur, john aravosis.

reader question: gender-quest!

so somebody messaged me with some questions about gender and such– and i tried my very best to answer their questions to the best of my abilities.  i decided to share our conversation with you neon cats cuz a) you might have some rad advice for the op and b) other people might relate to the op’s gender-quest.  (i certainly do!)

so here’s the message:

Hi Mx. Punk!

I have a question for you.  I’ve identified as pansexual for about a year, and before quite recently I never thought one lick about my gender identification.  It was mainstream socialization, I suppose, to assume that I was a cis female. But having thought a lot about how everyone assumes they’re straight until… they’re not (at least, in my experience), I wonder if the same thing is happening to me with my gender identification.

I mean, I enjoy a lot of things stereo-typically referred to as “girly” (makeup, fashion, gossip, I dunno what the fuck else), but  at the same time I know that those things aren’t just reserved to girls, and that not even all girls like them.

I was just wondering, I suppose, how you knew that you were non-binary.

I mean, I like the things that I like.  I know that I’m not male, and I have no desire to change my body as such (I like my body a lot!), but I don’t quite know how to tell if I’m female or not.  I mean, is there something I do that makes me female?  Something I like?  That sounds so terribly sexist, which I hate, but I don’t know another way to phrase it!

If I want to keep my physically female body, but act however the fuck I want regardless of gender, does that make me genderfuck?  Does it make me non-binary?  Or am I still female?

I am so confused as to all of this, and I’m asking you because you seem like a kind, non-judgmental person.  Please give me some advice, and please please please correct any mistakes I made in this post! I’m trying so hard not to offend anyone, but learning  all these new terms is hard!

Thanks a ton!

hi!

so, there’s no single path to realizing that you’re trans*; i think it’s pretty unique for everybody.  i think it’s pretty common for trans* people to assume they’re cis for awhile due to social conditioning.  some people don’t realize they’re trans* til they’re getting rather elderly, actually.

personally, i knew i wasn’t a girl or a boy when i was in kindergarten (preschool, too, i think), but i was bombarded with binarist and cissexist messages until i began to seriously doubt my own feelings.  society basically convinced me that i was a cis girl; i believed i was a cis girl for YEARS, despite having known the truth as a small child.  so, yep, i think it’s absolutely possible (and even common) for trans* people to be convinced to not even question their assigned gender.

i think that’s a good comparison between “assumed heterosexual” and “assumed cisgender”.  as to whether you’ve been assuming you’re cis when you’re really trans*– you’re the only one who can answer that question.  i know that’s probably not what you wanted to hear, but it’s the truth.  i guess the upside of that is that if you DO decide you’re non-binary trans*, nobody will get to contradict you.

so you mention liking things coded as feminine.  i think you’re absolutely right about guys and non-binary folks getting to like things coded as feminine; gender expression stereotypes are ridiculous.  they are mutable; they change from culture to culture and from year to year.

to me, that means that we drew the line between “girl stuff” and “boy stuff” in some random place; we could’ve drawn it anywhere.  so, yeah, i don’t think your appreciation for things coded as feminine necessarily has anything to do with your actual gender.

i think it’s important to think about the difference between gender and gender expression, ya know?  here’s a rad article, actually.  natalie reed (the author) is pretty much brilliant and she’s a much better thinker/writer than i am.  <3

so, basically, there’s only one way to KNOW your gender; it feels right to you.  i wish there were some magic test (like, everyone who loves wearing fishnets and plaid flannel at the same time is non-binary!  yay!), but there totally isn’t.  either you just know your gender or you go off searching for whatever fits you the most awesomely.  i’m just going to send some more reading your way: because i choose it by zinnia jones.  if you don’t just know your gender, there’s nothing invalid about saying, “i LIKE the way this feels.  i choose THIS one!”

you also mention not wanting to alter your body.  contrary to what the gender police may tell you, you DON’T have to experience body dysphoria and want surgery/hormones in order to be trans*.  personally, i love my non-binary clit and i just laugh at people who tell me that makes me female.  i just want to stress that lotsa non-binary trans* folks and lotsa binary trans* folks feel no need to alter their bodies.  you probably already know that, but i just wanted to stress it just in case.

how did i know i was non-binary?  when i was a little kid, i knew i wasn’t a girl or a boy in the same way i knew i wasn’t a dandelion or a fork.  it isn’t always so readily apparent to other people, but it was to me.  that doesn’t make me “more trans*” than someone who thought they were cis til they hit 30 (or 40 or 85 or 90), btw, though the gender police will tell you otherwise.

but then, after a couple of years of parents and teachers and society telling me i was a girl and that gender is binary and that gender-assigned-at-birth is everything, i started doubting myself.  i convinced myself that i was a girl and i think i sorta… forgot that i’d ever thought differently.  even when i learned trans* people were real, i still doubted the existence of non-binary gender.

eventually, i discovered maddox and other online non-binary cats– and that’s what convinced me to look into the whole non-binary trans* thing.  i started reading blogs written by neutrois folks and genderqueer folks and i started thinking, “hey!  that sounds like ME!”  something resonated and began to feel more and more RIGHT as i kept reading.

i eventually remembered what i’d known as a kid; that i’m not male or female.  i made a choice to id as non-binary trans*– and it just keeps settling onto me like a shirt that fits better and more comfortably each time i wear it.

what i didn’t do was take stock of my traits and hobbies, assign each one an “f” or and “m,” and tally them up.  as i think you know, that would never work.

you wrote: “If I want to keep my physically female body, but act however the fuck I want regardless of gender, does that make me genderfuck? Does it make me non-binary? Or am I still female?”

so, i think we’ve established that your body doesn’t have anything to do with it.  that you could be any gender at all and be totally satisfied with any configuration of body parts.

as for acting however the fuck you want regardless of gender, i think you might be entangling gender and gender expression.  because really, no matter your gender (trans* or cis), you can still express that gender however you please.

and genderfuck means that you love playing with gender expression (combining a fishnets and a dress with a beard, for example), so you could be a genderfuck cis woman/girl, you could be a genderfuck (non-)binary trans* person, or you could just id as “genderfuck.” you get to name your gender however you please (and you get to change your gender id at any time).

i’m totally flattered that you thought to ask me, honestly, and i reallyreally hope i’ve helped you out a little.  i wish i could just tell you what your gender is, but i can’t.  i think reading, thinking, and writing are the best ways to figure this stuff out– and talking, of course.  my blogroll has some pretty good links, maddox at neutrois nonsense is fucking AWESOME, and the felt fedora is a must-read.  natalie reed always a lot to say about gender issues, too.  you’re always welcome to ask me more questions or to just let me know how you’re doing.  anytime you wanna chat, i’ll be up for it!

i wish you some serious awesome!

splendidly,
mx. punk <3

ps: sorry for all the tl;dr.  i’m long-winded.  lol.

*   *   *

any thoughts, readers?  you cats are full of rad advice and wisdom-nuggets; you’re on!

top surgery: some questions to consider

i found some questions to consider before undergoing any sort of trans*-related surgeries (thank you, internet); i decided to answer them and make a really fucking long post outta them.  if you don’t have the patience to read the whole thing, i understand.  if you DO have the patience to read the whole thing, though– advice, stuff for me to think about, etc. are all most welcome.

also, i  don’t think this post is as coherent as i usually think my posts are.  actually, i think this post is a total mess.  beware.

*   *   *

do you have a clear mental picture of what you want to look like after top surgery?

not really.  i know i want to look, um, familiar(?) to myself.  i guess i want to look “right”—i want to see what i expect to see when i look at myself.  i don’t have a clear picture of what i expect to see when i look at myself, but i know my current appearance isn’t it.  i need to change that.

i don’t expect to magically look all buff or anything; i’m chubby and not-buff pre-op—of course i’d be chubby and not-buff post-op unless i started working out serious-time.  i’m definitely not considering top surgery because i have body image problems.  cuz really, these are some hot tits and i feel bad for considering dismembering them.  (except when i feel  excited and all “mwahaha”-y about dismembering them.)

if so, how do you think you might feel if the results don’t match that mental picture?

i think i would feel much more dysphoric than i do now.  i mean, i guess i’m feeling dysphoric about my chest and i’m wondering if top surgery would make my chest feel more like it belongs to me.  so, you know, if top surgery ended up making me look LESS like me, i’d be kinda fucked.

i would probably deal with that by wearing clothes CONSTANTLY; i think i’d be stoked about being titless while clothed.  i’m always comfy and confident while binding, so…  still, i definitely hope to rid myself of some dysphoria.

are you hoping top surgery would fix anything?  if so, what?

“fix” is the wrong word; i’m not hoping top surgery would “fix” anything.  i do hope top surgery would allow me to look/feel like me, thereby alleviating some of my dysphoria.  i hope my chest would look more familiar to me if i got top surgery (my tits shock me, sometimes).  i know top surgery wouldn’t solve any of my issues, it wouldn’t change my personality, it wouldn’t turn me into a sex god (i’m already a sex god)–  and i’m cool with that.

what parts of your life might change after top surgery?  what do you hope might change and what do you fear might change?

i wouldn’t have to bind or wear bras!  fuck yeah!  no more dysphoric days when i can’t bind cuz i have to sing!  no more awkwardly pawing through bins of bras in fucking bra stores while my partner pretends to be looking with me so i won’t feel so outta place!  no more hard searches for bras that have neither lace nor bows!  yay!!!  no more tears of frustration cuz i can’t bind my tits flat enough and i need them to be on someone else’s body!

obviously, my body would be different; hopefully, it would look/feel right to me.  if my body looked/felt right to me, i might trust it more; currently, when i come out as non-binary, people usually point at my fucking tits as proof of my perceived womanhood.  this makes me feel like my own body has betrayed me.  like, this part of my body that may or may not really belong to me gets used against me by grues.

i know people would still misgender me and that top surgery probably wouldn’t have much effect on how frequently i get misgendered, but i think top surgery might make me feel more confident in the face of misgendering.  like, “just try using my non-binary clit against me.  just try.  my non-binary clit is on my fucking side and it will fucking destroy you if you misgender me.  and my treasonous tits won’t help you cuz they’ll be in a trash can—so there.”  (i would illustrate this for you, but i don’t think i can draw a clit destroying somebody.  i just don’t know how.  but feel free to submit such a pic!)

also, when i get misgendered while binding and wearing my gender tag, i feel like i’ve done my part to communicate with other people, i’ve expressed myself honestly, and other people just didn’t get it.  i feel like i haven’t failed myself.  (am i making any sense?)

i do hope i’d be read as a woman a little less often, though.  currently, i’m read as a woman exactly 100% of the time; a single double-take would be plasmic, at this point.  like, really fucking satisfying.  maybe i could hang out shirtless and people would think i were a chubby guy from afar, get confused in the middle distance, and then decide i’m a titless woman up close.  maybe?  cuz then there’d be that moment in the middle where i’d be read as non-binary and i would love that.  i think that moment would be enough.

i’m scared of losing nipple sensation; nipple sensation is important to me.  i know loss of sensation is quite common; if get top surgery, i will have to be prepared to lose all nipple sensation.  (i’m not currently prepared.)

i’m scared my partner wouldn’t be attracted to my titless chest.  i mean, i’m sure he wouldn’t be repulsed but he probably wouldn’t love it wildly anymore, either.  he says he would, but i don’t quite believe him.  and i need my partner to love my body; to be excited about my body .  i don’t know if that makes me vain or what, but it’s totally true.  i’m scared that all my physical attractiveness/beauty is in my tits.

i’m scared i wouldn’t find my body attractive anymore; what if my new chest felt right to me, but i couldn’t learn to love it the way i’ve learned to love the chest i have now?  (i love my tits even though they might not belong to me.  cuz shit’s complicated.)

i’m scared of having a super lumpy chest.  cuz no thanks.  scars?  hells yes; scars are  sexy.  lumpy?  no, please.  i know this is a risk of top surgery; if i get top surgery, i will pick my surgeon carefully in order to minimize the possibility of me having to spend the rest of my life with a lumpy chest.  i’m ok with taking this risk, provided i do my best to pick a decent surgeon.

do you think your hopes for top surgery are realistic?  why or why not?

i think my body would look/feel more right to me while i’m clothed as i’m always pretty dysphoric about my tits while clothed.  even when i know my shirt makes my tits look hot, i still feel like they don’t belong on ME.  when i bind, i’m always desperate to get as flat as possible—and then i feel different and confident.  i feel like my tits aren’t in the way and i can just do ME.

naked, however, might be a different story.  currently, i think my naked tits are fucking hot and i think they make me hot by association.  that makes shit difficult.  see, i’m not sure if i’m confusing “my naked tits are hot and i’m not attractive without them” with “my naked tits belong on me.”  cuz i might be.  (how can i tell?!  this is what’s confusing me the most; thoughts?)

i don’t think top surgery would stop most people from assuming i’m a woman.  actually, i’m sure even a double-take would be a rarity.  i’m sure most people would just assume i had really tiny tits—and i’m ok with that.  maybe people would misgender me more slowly than they do now, though.  maybe?  if top surgery confused a single person for a single second, though, it’d be wicked perk and i would squeal.  i’d be surprised, though.  i mean, customers at work still call me “the nice lady” when i’m binding—and i wear men’s clothing.  i’m pretty sure there’s no hope in that regard.

how much do you know about your options for top surgery?

i know a bit about the procedures/techniques; i know i want to keep my nipples attached and if the surgeon said i’d need nipple grafts, i’d go away and try to live with my tits.  i might fail to live with my tits and end up getting surgery eventually, but i would try cuz otherwise i WOULD regret fucking with my nipples so much.  like, they’re cute nipples; they deserve love and kisses and stuff.

i know about some of the risks; tissue death, hypertrophic scarring, asymmetrical/lumpy contour, loss of sensation, risks normally associated with surgery, etc.  also, general anesthetic is scary.  i can face it, but it scares me.  i think i’m more scared of having tits forever than i am of surgery and general anesthetic.

what do you still need to learn to be able to make a fully informed decision about top surgery?

i need to learn more about specific surgeons, how i would go about getting my surgery covered (i may not have a choice of surgeon if i want my surgery covered, so we’ll see), and i need to learn more about the risks of surgery as a type 1 diabetic.  i’ve heard rumors that the main/only (?) chest surgeon in my province doesn’t operate on diabetics; i need to find out more about this, obviously.

i think i need a more firm idea of what my motives behind wanting top surgery are and i totally need to think about how i want to look when i’m naked (see above for my naked chest vs clothed chest confusion).

i also need to think more about the potential impact of top surgery on my sex life.

is your chest part of your sexuality at this time?  if so, what might happen if you lose that part of your sexuality?

yes.  and i don’t really know how i’d feel if i lost that part of my sexuality.  i mean, my partner and i DO have totally wicked sex without acknowledging my tits (we tend to do this when sexy-feelings coincide with tit dysphoria), but what if we never had fun with my chest again?  would that be shitty in the long-term?

what if i lost all sensation in my nipples?  even if i didn’t lose all sensation, would my sweetheart be interested in playing with my nipples?  i know i’d need to be prepared to lose that part of my sexuality if i got top surgery.

i need to think about this some more…

who else in your life would be affected by top surgery?  how do you think they feel about you having top surgery?

my sweet partner would be affected, obviously.  i can’t see how anyone else would be affected, though.

my partner says he’s supportive.  thing is, he truly IS supportive in all ways and i’m worried that now he just identifies as a mx. punk supporter.  i mean, what if getting rid of my tits would be too much for him?  would he be able to admit it if he felt unable to support the violent destruction (mwahahaha) of my tits?  he’s a very honest person and i reallyreally doubt he’s flat-out lying—but what if he’s fooling himself?

my partner also says he’d be attracted to me whether or not i had tits—but what if he missed having tits to play with?  i tell myself to just believe him (if i’m fine with a titless partner, why couldn’t he be fine with a titless partner?), but i’m a tad insecure about these things.

cuz, you know, when we met, he id’d as a straight cis guy—and now he’s with a fucking queer non-binary person who may or may not even have tits in the future.  so i’m insecure.  i hope i get the fuck over it.  i think this is something i’d need to work out before deciding to get top surgery.

cuz my sweetheart loves me and he is honest and kind.  so there, insecurities.

on the up side, we’re pretty sure my potential titless-ness wouldn’t really impact my partner outside of sexy fun-times; when i bind, he doesn’t usually notice.

how might their reactions impact you?

i reallyreally want my sweetheart to be happy.  i reallyreally hope we keep having wild, loving sexy fun-times and i hope our sexy fun-times continue being fun for BOTH of us.  basically, i would forgo top surgery for my partner.  i know i could end up regretting it and eventually getting top surgery anyway, but i would probably decide not to get top surgery if i thought top surgery would be bad for our relationship.  that probably makes me dependent, pathetic, and silly.

things is, i know i couldn’t handle it if i got top surgery and thereby destroyed our little family.  maybe it’s a good thing that i’m just admitting that up front.

what do you think are “wrong reasons” to have top surgery?

i think getting surgery in hope if meeting some specific ideal body would be a pretty bad reason to get top surgery.  also, expecting top surgery to fix my issues would be pretty silly cuz i’d be the same person with the same issues post-op as i am pre-op (minus tit-associated dysphoria, hopefully).

what do you think are “right reasons” to have top surgery?

well, i think trying to get my body to look/feel “right” to me would be a good reason to get surgery.  i used to experience severe tit dysphoria all the time, and i’ve certainly been experiencing tit dysphoria over the past year.  at this point, i think the intervening years might’ve been a fluke.  like maybe i was test-driving tit acceptance.  i often feel like i’m just waiting for my tits to fuck off—and i think i’d like to stop waiting.  like, i want to get it over with and move the fuck on.

i think i might experience less social dysphoria after top surgery (maybe); that might be a good reason to get surgery.  i currently experience a shit-ton of social dysphoria and i feel like my tits basically command people to misgender me– and that sucks.  honestly, though, i’m certain i’d still experience some social dysphoria after top surgery cuz people would still misgender me all the fucking time.  only, maybe my social dysphoria would be reduced.  and that would be killer.

do you have any other thoughts about top surgery?

i think this would be less complicated if i could give my tits away (to bia!  cuz she asked first and is awesome!) rather than destroying them and dumping them in a pile of medical waste.  that just sounds so…mean.

figuring this out is gonna be a long process and i’m gonna need advice, support, even computer smilies.  :)

also, if you actually read all this—i am in awe of your patience.

thoughts?  insight?  computer smiles?

“die tit scum?” or “tits, let’s work out our differences!”

so, i’m totally considering top surgery.  this is not a new thing for me; i freaked out when my tits appeared, bound them relentlessly for a few years, then calmed my shit when i learned that people could just go and get their tits sliced off.  i guess i decided i would wait calmly til i grew up, got money, and got top surgery.

of course, in the years since puberty, i’ve sorta changed my mind about my tits.  my relationship with my tits is way more complicated than it used to be; i LIKE them (sometimes).  aesthetically, anyway.  my sweetheart and i have sexy fun-times with my tits (sometimes i’m not up to it, but i often am).  plus, i’m attracted to tits on OTHER people– and that, too, has tangled the fins of my brain fish.

i know i want top surgery– but do i want top surgery the way i want to eat 2000 lbs. of chocolate in 1 sitting?  cuz i often want things i don’t really want (example: i don’t want to puke my face off while trying to eat ALL the chocolate).  so i need to examine my motives, hopes, expectations, etc.

i mean, do i just want top surgery cuz all the rad cats are doing it?  (like maddox and eli!)  or do i STILL want top surgery, having only convinced myself to get along with my tits cuz surgery is HARD and body acceptance seems easy?

i’m working on a more in-depth post about this; i just wanted to give you cats a heads up; i’m gonna dump my brain on you and ask for advice.  just warning you.