Tag Archives: Gender

waiting for top surgery

[TW: body dysphoria]

sometimes i’m so patient about top surgery. i know it’ll happen one day and freaking out won’t make it happen any sooner. right? that’s what i tell myself, anyway.

but, fuck, i need that shit right now. my dysphoria gets worse all the time. sometimes i try to ignore it so i don’t just panic, but it’s getting harder.

i have trouble with mirrors. if i look in the mirror, i won’t see mx. punk and i might cry. i think it’s better when i’m naked cuz then i can see exactly what the problem is; it’s those 2 round things and they need to come off. the rest is just me and i can see where i end and my tits begin. but it’s really hard with clothes on cuz then my whole body just looks wrong.

i can’t bind now cuz it’s summer and i don’t wanna die of heatstroke, so i hunch when i’m in public. i try not to hunch, but i hunch right back over as soon as i stop paying attention. and i wanna fucking stop hunching over before i permanently fuck up my back, but i can’t relax with my e-cup tits sticking out. which sounds fucking silly, but yeah.

when i was in school, i increasingly stayed home from school cuz of body dysphoria. i’d spend all day taking care of myself; i’d have long showers, hang out naked (cuz of the clothes-problem i described above), write, and snuggle my sweetheart. i don’t think i ever skipped school more than once or twice a month, but it was weird cuz i didn’t skip once til last year when my body dysphoria got really bad.

anyway, what i’m saying is that i’m starting to feel like this is really fucking urgent, but i haven’t done much to save money. i haven’t put up a donate button or opened a savings account where i can put money so i won’t spend it by accident. but i will. i’ll start with a bank account and a donate button on my blog.

and i’m ok. i know i’m ok. i know i’ll keep being ok. shit’s going really well, ya know? and i know i’ll get top surgery one day. so i’m ok.

patience is hard. but it’s easier when i draw pictures of me being patient:
Image

dear binary trans* guy who complained about referring to people of unknown gender with singular “they”

[TW: ranting, rage, super righteous nonbinary rage, binarist asshattery]

fuck off. just fuck off. you know perfectly well that people frequently use singular “they” to refer to people of unknown gender and/or pronoun preferences. insisting that singular “they” now refers only to people of nonbinary gender denies the diversity among nonbinary people; because of our diversity, we need singular “they” to mean anything and everything, including unknown gender. furthermore, it erases the lives of cis queer people who need to use singular “they” to conceal the gender of their partner in order to stay safe. it’s also just bullshit cuz most people who speak english frequently use singular “they” to refer to people of unknown gender and/or pronouns preferences. it’s embedded in the fucking language. [eta: it might be a north american thing. i dunno. but it’s pretty fucking common, right?]

and when you told that room full of cis people (and various trans* cats) that they should be able to just guess your (gendered) pronouns, that was shitty. fucking thanks. cis people already misgender me constantly; it still hurts even when i correct them immediately. so fucking thanks for encouraging them to continue guessing at my pronouns.

the fuck did you even mean by that, anyway? “you should just be able to guess! don’t i just look like a dude?” are you seriously telling cats that men look a certain way? i suppose you think women also look a certain way, right? what about nonbinary folks? do we all look a certain way, too? you oppressive fuck. people look however the fuck they please, regardless of gender. you have no right to stipulate through implication that a person must prove their gender by looking a certain way. cuz holy fuck, doesn’t that sound familiar.

and nice fucking double standard. you think it’s ok for people to guess gendered pronouns but not nongendered pronouns? cuz, what, nongendered pronouns are extra gross or something? just admit you’re a binarist assclown and go the fuck home.

you spouted all this shit with nonbinary cats in the room and none of us did more than squirm about it cuz we didn’t wanna step on your sacred manly toes, but fuck you. fuck you and your binarist shit.

i’m not gonna call you “they”; i know your pronouns are “he/him/his.” that’s not what i’m talking about. but  i will never again listen and squirm while a binary trans* person spews binarist asshattery. singular “they” is just fine for anyone whose gender and/or pronoun preferences are unknown. stop shitting all over nonbinary people.

also, i didn’t say “fuck you” enough; fuck you, you fucking dudebro.

sincerely, a nonbinary trans*person who’s done with your shit

*   *   *
yep, i feel better. whew. that’s been weighing me down for awhile.

i actually totes don’t hate this person, but i’ve been seething about this for months. i haven’t seen him in a long time and i don’t know if i’ll ever see him again, so i decided to write a rant instead of talking to him in person. and now i’m not mad anymore, so yay.

i really hope my next post is all lighthearted and stuff. maybe i’ll write about unicorns in space.

reclaiming my femininity

i’ve worn clothes from the “boys’” and “men’s” sections** for most of my life. those are just the clothes i like and they make me feel comfy.

sometimes i wonder, though, if maybe i like those clothes cuz society tells me they’re for “not-girls/women.” like, how much of my gender expression is mediated/informed by society? i occur in this societal framework and it’s not like i can just fuck off and live in a vacuum. i definitely need to examine the ways i construct my gender expression.

i spent a long time trying to live as a tomboy/butch-y woman. i experienced very little backlash (no bullying, no parental pressure, etc.), but it wasn’t right for me cuz reasons. old gender things i’d forgotten/buried started to unbury themselves, so i went looking for something.

i went through a phase where i presented as a femme-y woman. it was weird. i mean, i wore whatever clothes i wanted to wearyou look so goood, just like i always had, but it turned out that i just wanted to wear femme-y clothes for a while. and people kept telling me i looked pretty, that they much preferred my new look, that i looked funky and fun (i’m always fucking fun, k? i’m fucking fun even when i’m wearing plannel*** and work boots.), and that they were glad i’d finally “found myself.”

holy fuck, right? i was experimenting with my gender expression and all these people came outta nowhere to “reward” me for finally expressing my gender in a way that made them comfortable. so i ended up deciding to wear my old clothes again (stuff “for” boys/men). sure, i often wear fishnets under my torn-up jeans, but that’s nothing. not much, anyway.

i do love my fishnets, though. just sayin’.

maybe i should go to school wearing a tutu over some skinny jeans. or something. just to fuck with people and to show them (and myself) that i can wear whatever the fuck i want. that i’m not a dfab trans* stereotype, ya know? cuz i’m starting to feel a little trapped by people’s expectations.

thing is, i’m also trapped by my tits. that probably sounds totes weird, but it’s true. i can’t wear shit that emphasizes my tits; the dysphoria is crippling. as it is, when i get dressed, i’m always searching for the magic shirt that’ll make my tits look flatter. as though i can hide triple d tits even with binders. (spoiler: nope.) so i don’t really know i’d go about reclaiming my femininity even if i decided i definitely wanted to.

i mean, how do we go about reclaiming our femininity or masculinity? how do we reclaim our stories? the way society is set up, we have to “prove” the validity of our gender(s)/genderlessness; when we don’t dress “right,” that gets used against us. how the fuck do we navigate this toxicity? i don’t have the answers, lovelies; i think this is one of those things that needs some serious conversation. so, thoughts?

**i don’t think clothes should be gendered at all. there is nothing inherently masculine about dinosaurs and dark colors. there is nothing inherently feminine about flowers and pink. this is the paradigm i’m living in, though, and just ignoring it won’t solve anything.

***plannel = plaid + flannel

binarist asshattery (9000th edition)

yeah, more binarist asshattery. it never ends. to no one’s shock ever, care2 make a difference is binarist. i wouldn’t give a fuck, but they always have awesomegrumpy mx. punk is grumpy petitions i want to sign– which i can’t sign without misgendering myself. in order to sign petitions, you need to sign in (or register) and choose a binary gender and a gendered prefix (unless you choose “dr.”).

i was so upset that i couldn’t sign this particular petition, i sent an email to them about it. who knows if they’ll ever get back to me, but here it is:

i would love to create an account with care2 make a difference. unfortunately, you’ve chosen to force people to choose between male and female when creating an account. you’ve also chosen to force people to choose a gendered prefix while signing petitions (unless the person chooses “dr.”). this sucks because lots of people (ok, a few people) are 1) neither men nor women or 2) they’re both.

for example, i’m a nonbinary trans* person; i’m neither a man nor a woman. how the hell am i supposed to create an account here or sign petitions? i refuse to just lie and erase myself. you’re implicitly excluding nonbinary people from your site, whether or not you mean to.

please consider allowing people to forgo choosing a gender and a gendered prefix. alternatively, you could add “mx.” as a prefix option (a non-gendered prefix) and “nonbinary” as a gender option.

i’d create a petition about this, but i’d have to misgender myself in order to do it. i challenge you to care to make a difference.

sincerely,

mx. punk

i know, i know. i probably shouldn’t care about this one little petition site. there’re tons of other petitions for me to sign. i know. i guess their whole “human rights” / “make a difference!” thing got to me.  cuz they only appear interested in human rights for certain people, i guess.

but who knows. maybe they’ll email me back and be all like, “whoa! we didn’t know there were more than 2 genders!gold ally star holy shit, we’ll fix that right away! human rights for everyone!” cuz that’d be rad and i would award them the coveted gold ally star. and who the fuck wouldn’t want to be awarded the gold ally star, right? that’s what i’d like to know.

*   *   *

also, my partner and i are moving (houses, not blogs) to a cabin in the forest on an even smaller island! with a bigger vegetable garden! and my partner and i can actually afford it! (srsly, wtf.) and it’s crunch time at school and we’re moving on april 1st, so holy shit we’re freaking out. yeah.

so i have lots of post ideas, but not much time for posting (except i have a few almost-finished posts i might finish soon). stick around, though, my lovelies. <3 school’ll be over halfway through april; be ready.

stay splendid, cats. <3 and don’t eat too much glitter!

biological sex as a social contruct

i know, i know. i already wrote about this, but the post was a bit incoherent and i didn’t really know what i was trying to say. this time ’round, i know what i’m trying to say, but fuck knows if i’ll be able to explain it coherently.

anyway.

i think enforced biological sex is a tool of the kyriarchy. it serves those who would oppress us. supposedly, biological sex is about:

  • reproduction
  • medicine
  • science! facts!

but i declare shenanigans. why, you ask? k. i’ll start with reproduction.

if you think biological sex is about reproduction and “what goes where,” forget it. we (society) don’t declassify as female (dyadic**) cis women who get hysterectomies. we don’t declassify as male (dyadic) cis men who get their phalluses blown up by landmines. we don’t declassify as male or female (dyadic) binary cis people who choose not to have children (or can’t).

as for the whole medicine/science thing, i’m just gonna quote myself (with some revision for the sake of clarity):

of course, people have biological needs and functions that shouldn’t be ignored. i certainly don’t advocate pretending that our bodies are all the same– because they aren’t. people with breasts need regular mammograms in the same way that people with type 1 diabetes need to take insulin.

something to bear in mind, though, is that doctors don’t typically treat all women the same way and all men the same way– they treat them as individuals (eta: or they should, anyway). doctors ask me about my period, for example, not assuming that i even have one and not assuming what it’s like. doctors don’t drop people into a “sex” category and walk away; there’s too much variation for that to be valid medical practice.

furthermore, trans people don’t need to have their bodies referred to as belonging to someone else. if, say, a trans* man has a period, he doesn’t need some doctor telling him that his “womanly” body needs more iron (eta: unless he feels that his body is womanly. in which case, yay.). the trans* man just needs his doctor to tell him to take more iron because he has a period. referring to trans* people as “born female/male” or “female/male-bodied” reinforces the idea that they aren’t “really” women/men/others and that they don’t own their bodies. it also forcibly attaches gender to bodies.

when speaking of humans, sex isn’t simply about biology; we don’t think of it as simple medical classification. if we did, words like “male” and “female” wouldn’t come equipped with gendered connotations. if we thought of sex as being purely medical, it wouldn’t come up very often in casual confabulation. parents wouldn’t talk about their newborn being a boy or a girl– because they can’t know their baby’s gender right away and other people don’t need to know what the baby’s genitals look like.

also, i think it’s really telling that we (as a society) don’t really acknowledge the existence of intersex people. sure, sometimes cats try to be inclusive, but society certainly doesn’t want to mess with the holy sex binary (all hail). if sex were really about biological facts, we wouldn’t have any trouble respecting the existence of intersex people. ya know? like, the amount of pressure we put on intersex people to quietly squeeze into “m” or “f” is fucked up. (“pressure” includes genital surgeries on infants incapable of consent, bullying, shaming, societal insistence on the holiness of the sex binary.) i argue that such pressure wouldn’t exist if biological sex were about fucking facts; we’d accept the fact that bodies don’t come in a tidy binary.

as a society, we’re pretty fucking vague about what we mean by “biological sex.” i’m not talking doctors, mind you. i’m not a fucking doctor and i don’t hang out with any doctors, but the people i meet (on the internet/in meatspace) don’t seem to know or give a fuck about having set parameters for biological sex.

it’s magical, actually, the way we (as a society) shift the goalposts in order sneakily control other people’s bodies through naming them. you’re a trans* person whose body makes lots of estrogen and you haven’t gone on t? “naturally, your sex is female cuz holy shit estrogen is the girl stuff.” you’re a trans* person who still has the pussy you were born with? “clearly, your sex is ‘female’ cuz pussies are female.” you’re a trans* person who was born with a pussy but has since had bottom surgery and is on hrt? “still female! cuz chromosomes!” which is fucked, cuz if we’re going by chromosomes, why don’t doctors test babies’ chromosomes at birth? if biological sex is such a fucking solid fact, why the fuck do we need to move the goalposts at all?

so when we talk about biological sex as an immutable fact, what we’re really saying isn’t that reproductive potential or anatomical configuration count. what we’re saying is that sex designation at birth counts for everything, even in cases where it’s clearly meaningless. we’re imposing the will of the kyriarchy on each other for the sake of keeping each other in neat boxes, regardless of whether we actually fit those boxes.

when people tell me that sex is “biological” and immutable, that sex has nothing to do with how this society constructs gender, i’m not fucking impressed. imo, the real problem isn’t that sex and gender are being conflated and we need to tease them apart. i think the real problem is when people look at someone else’s body (or assume things about someone else’s body), forcibly gender them, and perpetuate oppression. cuz that’s the fucked up shit at the root.

i don’t think the solution is to insist that gender and sex are separate for ever and ever, cross our hearts and hope to die. i think the solution is to stop fucking naming other people’s bodies, stop assigning genders to babies, and keep working on oppressive bullshit.

*   *   *

thoughts? ideas? is this post coherent? did i miss something? (probably.) share your brains, lovelies! also, any suggestions for further reading would be rad. i know i read some recent articles about this, but i can’t fucking find them. (which means that the ideas presented here aren’t entirely my own. seriously, take note of that.)

tl;dr you get to name your own body. you don’t get to name other people’s bodies. let’s be friends.

**”dyadic” means “non-intersex.”

*   *   *

related reading:

reader question: i’m a fucking grue/troll. help?!

[TW: cisfuckery, ciscentrism, binarism, sex-essentialism]

i love reader questions! actually, this was a comment,** but i moved it here cuz it’s just so yay:

Cis is nonsense. Its a power grab. Why shouldn’t male and female be the default? It IS the default, biologically speaking. About .025 percent of the world’s population is transgendered. It’s not usual. It’s not the norm. “Cis” is a missive fired in the gender politics wars. –Gore Vidal (@UndeadGoreVidal)

yep, you got troubles. i can tell. you’re dancing around the issues a little bit, but i’ll try to read between the lines and help you out. k? k. i shall begin by deciphering your (not-so-well-)coded message.

translations

Cis is nonsense.

translation: you respond to things you haven’t a clue about by pretending there’s nothing to understand. possibly because you believe this will stop folks from holding you accountable for your ignorance.

Its a power grab.

translation: you believe that decentralizing cisness will give trans* folks power over cis people. what kind of power, you ask? read on, brave question-asker!

Why shouldn’t male and female be the default? It IS the default, biologically speaking.

translation: you don’t know what gender is, you think you know what “sex” is, you’re conflating gender and sex in the grue-way rather than in the -i-think-sex-might-be-a-social-construction way, and you’re totes ok with marginalizing groups of people who aren’t common enough for you. it also appears that you feel entitled to being hailed as the default human. (either you’re a cis white guy, or you’re playing one for the lulz.)

also, this probably reveals what kind of power over cis people you’re worried about. i’m guessing you’re worried about trans* folks having enough ~magical powers~ over cis people to live in a world without ciscentrism. (in case you aren’t keeping up, my dudebro (or pretend-dudebro), insisting that cis people are the default is ciscentrist.)

About .025 percent of the world’s population is transgendered. It’s not usual.

translation: you’re reallyreally, fucking definitely ok with marginalizing a group of people if they aren’t common enough for you. like, “you must be this tall to ride the “i’m an actual human being with basic rights” train. basically what you’re saying. (in case you’re confused, lovely cockalorum, centralizing one group of people at the expense of another usually leads to denying the non-central group at least some of their human rights.)

It’s not the norm.

translation: you think “normal” is a thing and that you get to dole out human rights based on your own definition of it. sounds totes legit.

“Cis” is a missive fired in the gender politics wars.

translation: (i’m guessing “missive” is supposed to be “missile” because i don’t see what letters have to do with anything.***) you think “cis” is an insult or a weapon of some kind. you also seem to believe that trans* people have the numbers/the means to attack cis people and cause damage. (or why would you be worried about it? right?)

so, based on my highly-awesome (and not at all patronizing) analysis, this is a summary of what i think your (not-so-)cryptic message means:

  1. you don’t know what’s going on, so you’re pretending there’s nothing to understand.
  2. you think pretending there’s nothing to understand will immunize you against criticism.
  3. you think trans* people who demand human rights are going to do so by taking away your human rights.
  4. you don’t know the difference between privileges and rights.
  5. you don’t know what gender is.
  6. you think you know what “sex” is, but you’re conflating gender and sex in that fucked up “i’m-a-grue” way.
  7. you’re ok with marginalizing groups of people who aren’t common enough for you.
  8. you believe in the holiness of “normalcy”.
  9. you believe that people who don’t precisely fit your definition of “normal” deserve to be marginalized.
  10. you think “cis” is a dangerous weapon.

whew! now that i’ve translated your lovely little missive to the best of my (fabulous) abilities, i’ll move on to proposing some solutions for your problems.

solutions

  1. try to actually understand things. read things written by people you have privileges over (and actually stfu and pay attention). read blogs. there’s no need to jump in without first doing some research and some critical thinking.
  2. lolnope.
  3. do more thinking.
  4. read straight white male: the lowest difficulty setting there is, and what is privilege?.  being welcome and sacrificing privilege are probably relevant, too.
  5. google “what is gender” and read everything that comes up. especially stuff written by trans* people (see #1).
  6. see #1.
  7. accept that you’re a self-centered asshat. breathe deeply the fragrance of your own lower digestive tract. if you ever get sick of it, see #1.
  8. see # 7.
  9. see #7.
  10. read cis is not a slur, grues and “cisgender” is not a slur, john aravosis.

conclusions

and there you have it, grue/troll. thanks for the fun times! <3 i had fun, you had fun; we both won! plus, i managed to make the section titles kinda rhyme. like, how neon is that?!

you’re welcome for everything.

**seriously, this did start off as a comment on we need the word cisgender. but i couldn’t just leave it there; the clever gore vidal needed moar attentions! so i made this post. <3

***i just want to be clear that i’m not attacking vidal over a probable typo. typos, messed up grammar, etc. have nothing to do with an argument’s validity/invalidity. i just didn’t want to assume it was supposed to read “missile” rather than “missive” without saying something cuz that could be confusing and i could be wrong.

*   *   *

UPDATE: vidal needs more attention! i’m so excited, i might pee. i just KNEW this day would come! also, they believe calling someone “a self-serving prick,” “a dumbfuck,” and “darling” counts as supporting their argument!

all italics are from a comment they posted below; i moved it up here cuz i wouldn’t want vidal to miss out on any potential attention.

you’re just so full of shit its not worth arguing with you about, and anyone who knows anything about the transmafia knows that arguing is pointless. but since you are such a fucking self-serving prick, let me reiterate to you a few little tidbits:
1. I know the difference between sex and gender. if youre a m2f trans you’re a woman, because woman is about gender identity. you are not, however female, because that’s about biology. so, let’s say it again until you finally understand. you’re not a female, but you can call yourself a woman if you like. just don’t let the radfems hear you or they’ll laugh until they pee., since they don’t and won’t ever say you’re a woman OR female.

wow! you’re not conflating gender and sex in the help-i’m-a-grue way! that means you’re right about everything! you win all the star stickers! yay for you!!!!11!! if you want even moar stars, try googling “biological sex social construct” (or something like that) and read everything you find.
and thanks for the heads up about terfs being assholes to trans* people (mainly dmab trans* people, i might add); that’s shocking! omfg how did i miss that? thanks, cat!

2. transactivism is about gender essentialism and it is essentially anti-feminist, anti-female and “pro-woman” (of the girly-girl, frock wearing variety); say it again: you say its about being female but everything you do and say (usually) is about gender identity.

i think you have a few things to teach women about feminism! i’m super impressed! and clearly, you are very active in the trans* community and read lots of trans* writings! i can tell.

3. I’m worried about .025 percent of the population being fucking ***** (edited by mx. punk to remove ableist bullshit) who violently censor anyone who doesn’t agree with them. It is a power grab, the oppression olympics. y’all want in on it. I could multiple examples faster than you can say “Cis.” How many individuals have their finger on a nuclear weapon? Probably less than .025 percent of the population, right darling? You at all worried about them? Like shootin’ fish in a barrel, talkin’ to you.

ya got me there. i mean, i DID totes just censor your ableist slur. and hey, that’s a good point about how “wanting in” on “the oppression olympics” is a total power grab. like, yeah! when folks start whining about being oppressed, they’re just trying to steal your delicious human rights!

apparently, when trans* folks attempt to decentralize cisness, it’s almost like we have nuclear weapons. cuz holy shit the next step from not being completely dehumanized is going nuclear. at the very least, attempting to decentralize cisness has the potential to kill cis people and destroy everything. you convinced me, darling-ookum-snookums. (it’s soooo romantic when you call me “darling”!)

4. “Cissexual” is a term made up by transactivists who actually do not understand the difference between gender identity, gender and sex. It’s an empty term. It “means” what you say it signifies, but it don’t MEAN a thing (cuz it ain’t go that swing). It’s a reification in your little power grab dance.

yup, no one understands gender/sex/etc. better than people who never have to question theirs’. no one else could possibly have anything to add! good thing we have pompous cis people like you to educate us! seriously though, let’s leave ellington out of it.

5. Being male or female (remember darling, that’s about sex) is the norm. Google “statistical norm.” Being transgender is not the statistical norm. It is not the “default” in terms of biological sex. That’s all. I’m not saying y’all are evil. I’m saying being transgendered is not normative. Your panties are in a bunch because you don’t want to be considered “non-ideal.” That’s not what I mean when I say that being transgender is not the norm. That is a fact. You’re worried that people will use “not the norm” to attack you, a valid worry.

oh, my sweet darling gore, maybe google “default human” and read things. i’ll wait for you. i’ll wait forever! *faints*

5. For every “blog” you want to send me to, I can send you to 100 others making the solid case for why your thinking is primitive, anti-female and reflective of the white-male-privileged power grab typical of the transmafia, so let’s just not play that little game. –Gore Vidal (@UndeadGoreVidal)

oh yes, my darling! please educate us! please don’t cite your sources (it makes total sense that you would also mock any sources other people cite)! please use words rooted in eurocentrism! and seriously, what a bunch of meanies those transactivists are; they’re totally just like the mafia. always killing cis people, threatening cis people with guns, beating the living shit out of cis people. totally. you’re so CUTE when you talk about privilege, i can’t stand it! *faints moar*

Oh, and p.s.:
“the noun missive comes from the Latin word missus, meaning “to send.” You may have heard the phrase, “fire off a missive,” meaning a note, memo or dispatch that was written and sent with urgency and conveyed an important message. It might have been a missive sent from a commander to the troops, telling them of a change in the battle plan.”

The use of the word “missive” was evidently too nuanced for you to understand that I was playing on the pair missive/missile and the allusion to a war of words, to wit, the war over the word “cis.” But you know what honey, just keep writing long, numbered lists of points refuting my points. I know it makes you feel proud of yourself. As for me, it allows me to see just how delightfully much of a dumbfuck you really are.

well, honey-lips, i didn’t catch that. if you’re going to be condescending about it though, let’s talk about how you believe 5 comes after 5. evidently, the hindu-arabic numeral system is too nuanced for you to understand. (see? being a condescending fuck because someone didn’t notice your linguistic prowess, made typos, and/or fucked up grammatically is major shenanigans.)

and let’s cut the shit. you didn’t come here to talk. you came here with your mind made up, looking for some fun. so here’s your fun! yay! i make fun of you without taking you seriously or considering anything you have to say!

once again, you’re welcome. darling.

belonging-ful

so cats keep asking me how i know i’m nonbinary, mostly cuz they’re questioning their own genders. i’ve sorta touched on this in the past (here and here), but i want to write about it again.

to be clear, i’m not searching for “validation” through writing about knowing my gender. i want to write about it cuz i was a very confused kid, my relevant writings here are a bit contradictory, and i’m still maybe a tad confused as to how i know i’m nonbinary.

also, it’s not like society exactly leaves a shit-ton of space for this kind of thing. it’s no fucking wonder this shit is confusing, right? i think i just want to tell “my story” ™ over and over and over again til i can peel away the bullshit and the hurt.

i guess i want to say more than simply, “i just knew!”  maybe it’s time, ya know? i’ve been thinking and growing; maybe i have some insights i didn’t have before. i’m not expecting to answer any huge questions by writing this post; maybe i just have an itch to scratch.

to start with, i feel comfy in a group of nonbinary cats. this is something i’ve learned from hanging out with nonbinary cats in my qsa. i’m ok with being lumped in with them, gender-wise. even if we all express our genders differently, even if some of us are dfab and some of us are dmab, i still feel like a member of the murder (nonbinary cats come in murders, you see). i feel like i fucking belong on a fundamental level.

if gender is at least somewhat social, if gender is, as natalie puts it, a communicative function, i feel comfortable saying what other nonbinary folks are saying. we can say it together and i don’t feel the need to make myself really stand out. i don’t feel the need to emphasize our differences. well, i guess i don’t feel the need to emphasize our differences gender-wise, though i have great respect for our other differences.

it’s not like our other differences disappear, obviously. my experiences as a white dfab nonbinary person will never be the same as the experiences of a first nations dmab nonbinary person, for instance. but when i’m around nonbinary people, i’m very aware of what we DO share. it’s like this piece of me that doesn’t otherwise belong anywhere gets to feel at home. i think that sense of belonging is an important clue.

still, it’s not like i didn’t know i was nonbinary before i joined my school’s qsa. i did know. maybe i just knew i where i didn’t belong. maybe i had an idea of how it would feel to be around other nonbinary folks: belonging-ful.

i feel like gender is about belongingness and communication. well, i feel like my gender is about belongingness and communication.  i bet this shit is different for everyone, though. thoughts?

anyway, i’m pretty sure this is a worthless exercise. i didn’t end up writing anything more than “i just knew,” did i? regardless, i’ll probably post this cuz i haven’t posted anything in awhile and i just wanna post something. there’s a moral, though; mx. punk should probably stop writing posts about this. they always end up saying very little. bleh.

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also, i’m back! yay! i had a reallyreally relaxing holiday. my partner and i are still cut from (most) of his side of the family (i should really update you cats on the family shit), so christmas wasn’t the same as before. it was the first year he didn’t see his parents and siblings on christmas, but we managed to start some fun traditions of our own. also, we spent a shit-ton of time together. yay! and i came out to some people! basically, i was too busy to write posts.

but i think i’m back. i have scads of post-ideas; i’ll get on writing some shit for you lovely cats to peruse. huzzah!

layers of dysphoria

lately, i’ve been thinking about the ways i experience dysphoria.  my dysphoria seems to occur in layers like a rainbow jar cake, only shitty instead of awesome.

also, i’m gonna try to keep this organized cuz dysphoria is a big, messy topic.  yeah.

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the top layer: social dysphoria

for a while, social dysphoria was the worst thing ever for me, but body dysphoria wasn’t a problem.  i was all like, i love my tits!  yay for my tits!  but i’m gonna die next time i get misgendered, zomg!

then i came out to a shit ton of people.  i started insisting on non-gendered pronouns, i legally changed my name, i started wearing a gender tag, and i calmed down about my social dysphoria.

i mean, it’s still a big deal for me cuz i get read as a binary person 100% of the time, but i feel like i can fucking respond to misgendering.  like, you fucking misgender me and i will correct you.  i know where all the gender-inclusive bathrooms are in my town and i refuse to use gendered bathrooms.  my teachers know i’m a nonbinary trans* person, my family knows, my buddies know– and most of them are supportive.  basically, i’m transitioning socially and i’m fucking handling my social dysphoria like a boss.

i think my social dysphoria will always be an issue cuz, like, i don’t know what to do even do in order to consistently be read as nonbinary.  i think i’d settle for confusing some people for a split second, ya know?  like, “what are you?!!  oh, you look like a woman/man.  ok, then.”  that’d be good enough, i think.  so social dysphoria forever, though it’s somewhat alleviated.

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the next layer: body dysphoria

body dysphoria wasn’t an issue for me for a long time, though i struggled with it during puberty.  like, shit sucked for a while, but i guess i buried my body dysphoria or something cuz there were long years when it didn’t even come up.  now that i’m not obsessing over my social dysphoria, though, it turns out there’s a gross mess of body dysphoria underneath the social dysphoria.  oog.

(note: for me, body dysphoria is about my tits and my…”inside-junk.”  i’m not going to do anything about my inside-junk for a while, if ever, but my tits are GOING.  and i can’t talk about my inside-junk cuz dysphoria.  so let’s not go there, lovelies.)

so i’ve been binding more and more often, having meltdowns when i can’t get flat enough (or can’t bind cuz i have to sing at school), and fantasizing about killing a rich person and stealing their money to fund top surgery.

i do this thing where i put on 2 binders, put on my magical binding clothes (they’re encrusted with faery dust and they make me look flatter), look in the mirror, and try to see myself in there.  now that i have 2 binders that work well together, it’s usually not hard to see mx. punk in the mirror.  usually, i just glance in the mirror and start crying in relief.

before i had 2 binders, though, i couldn’t get very flat at ALL.  i’d struggle with the velcro and the flesh, get all leaky and upset, give up on getting flatter, and squint at my reflection to try to find mx. punk.

the first time i did that was in spring 2012.  except, it wasn’t really the first time.  it was the first time in fucking YEARS, but when i started trying to find the mx. punk in the mirror, i remembered doing it before.  i did it constantly in middle school.  like, go to the bathroom– squish tits down and squint at the mirror.  try on clothes– squish tits down and squint at the mirror.  etc.

i think i seriously buried that shit.

so, yeah.  top surgery asap.  it’ll probably take years, but i’ll save the money somehow.  it’s funny how quickly i went from “i love my tits” to “get them off get them OFF!  GETTHEMTHEFUCKOFFME!!!!”  i guess that’s what happens when you peel back one layer of dysphoria and find another layer of dysphoria.

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i don’t know where i’m going with this ramble-y post, but i think i’ll stop now.  i should be doing homework anyway.  any thoughts, cats?  has anyone else experienced this weird layering of dysphoria?  and what if there’re more layers?!!  talk to me, peoples!  <3

fuck NO, pan problems!

[CONTENT WARNING: cissexism, rape, violence]

i found this graphic on tumblr and i want to talk about it.  i get that the op was probably trying to be positive, but i have a few issues with this pic.  i shall now present them to you in no particular order because ranking shit is too hard for my brain.

1. the word “love”  –  we’re talking about (sexual/romantic) attraction here, not just love.  in this case, i think “love” comes off as a euphemism for “some combination of attraction, sex, love, and/or affection.”  personally, i think euphemisms are half-assed and useless unless you’re trying to avoid triggers (avoiding triggers = awesome).

(i don’t think “attraction” is generally a triggering word, but please lemme know if i’m just eating my foot, here.  cuz i’m good at changing my ways.)

2. the word “shouldn’t”  –  seriously, i know this is just a little graphic and it’s probably supposed to be cute and/or inspirational, but don’t tell me what my “love” should or should not be based on.  unless i’m fetishizing a group of people and/or behaving in a problematic way, you don’t get to do that.

like, is it ok if i’m only attracted to people who think consent is sexy?  “should” i “love” anti-consent people cuz the “love” police say so?  didn’t think so.  i think “shouldn’t” is kinda a shitty word to use in a graphic like this.

3. “…something as trivial as gender” – gender isn’t trivial.  people are marginalized based on gender. people are killed based on gender.  people are raped based on gender.  people are basically shat on based on gender.  that shit isn’t trivial.  you can’t say gender is trivial unless you’re ignoring the dynamics of gender-based privilege and oppression.

i’d also like to point out that as a trans* person, my gender is pretty fucking important to me in ways cis people often take for granted.  here’s an excerpt from a post i wrote about genderblindness recently:

i fight every day to take up space as a person of my gender.  i come out to strangers on the fly CONSTANTLY (cuz it’s in my self-respect policy).  i end up holding in my piss for hours cuz i can’t find a non-gendered bathroom.  i have to avoid restaurants without non-gendered bathrooms.  i have to avoid clothing stores without non-gendered change rooms.  strangers feel entitled to tell me i’m gross when i come out as trans*.  i have to lie to the government on official forms, and my partner and i are estranged from his side of the family– so i reallyreally hope you aren’t telling me you think my gender is unimportant.  read more.

and that’s just me.  other trans* folks, especially dmab trans* poc, live in fear of serious violence and murder.  this is serious shit.

4.  the notion that pansexuals don’t experience attraction based on gender – maybe YOU don’t experience attraction based on gender, but i do and so do some other pan people.  sometimes gender is a factor in pansexuality and sometimes it isn’t.  there are a shit-ton of ways to experience pansexuality.  start respecting the diversity, please.  thanks.

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i guess i wanted to write about this graphic because it’s more than just a silly picture on tumblr.  to me, it represents attitudes common among internet pansexuals.  these are serious problems and i think we need to talk about them.

thoughts?

talking about trans* folks

lotsa people define “a trans* person” as someone whose sex and gender (or their body and mind/soul) don’t match.  i see where this comes from.  if we say THESE genitals are male and THOSE genitals are female and if  we realize that we aren’t defined by our genitals, it stands to reason that gender (our internal selves) and bodies (mainly our genitals/sex) are two different things that may or may not coincide.

i declare shenanigans on this notion.  yes, it’s true for lotsa trans* people; if you tell me your gender and your body don’t match up (whether or not you want/need them to match up)—i believe you.  you are the ONLY authority on your gender and your body and i totally respect that.  but when you define trans*-ness as a misalignment between gender and body, you erase people like me.

and how am i?  i’ve said it before all over internet land; my gender defines my sex and names my body.  my pussy is nonbinary; it belongs (really belongs) to a nonbinary trans* person.  my tits are nonbinary (even though i fight with them and may get top surgery).  my body DOES coincide with my gender; they’re both nonbinary.  yet i’m still trans*.

i love the simpler, more inclusive definition of “a trans* person”: someone who was designated the wrong gender at birth.  like, the doctor (or someone) said “it’s a girl/boy!” and they were wrong.  not “born in the wrong body,” which is true of many but not ALL trans* people.  not “someone whose sex and gender don’t match” (again, true of some but not all trans* people).  just someone who was designated the wrong gender at birth (including people who feel they used to be the gender they were designated at birth, but have since experienced a change in gender).

basically, a trans* person is anyone who says they’re trans*.  no questions asked.

how do you define “a trans* person?”